Analytic Symptom #38: Confusion

It was a tough week.

I thought it was just a basic English class but, Crap!, it wasn't JUST an english class. It was WAY more than that...

I really didn't expect that Miss Ria would check each and every word in that verbatim speech and recognizing and correcting all your errors is a real pain in the behind. It was like hell when we need to correct every "the", "this" and "that" in the file with the correct /th/ sound when we filipinos are used to using the /d/ sound. Then "accuracy" (a-kyu-ra-si) should be pronounced as (a-kyu-ra-si). Another is that "during'' (du-ring) should not be (ju-ring) and its very hard to change all that in the span of just 5 days.

And then theres this "ano'' thing I have when I always keep saying "ano" when Im talking...well reporting, that is. The thing is, when I am outside the class I don't say that damn tagalog word anymore (or maybe I just don't hear me say it). I really need a coach.

But, though I had frequent headaches and occasional migrains, it was a fun week. For one thing I have met many new people, many of which are much much older than me with their own families, and some in my generation (well, that wont make the others that old, you know). A wide variety of people, most with a sense of humor and some being the ones being humored (Kuya Pepe Smith...I can't say nothing more...)

People worth mentioning are Rani - the wave's clown...together with the bunch at the back part of the room, specially Ian and Chris and Michael (Kuya Pepe), they made the whole class laugh more than once...well, everyday may be the right word. My seatmates Joseph, who also play RF, his friend Bryant, the rich kid, Vance and Roni make up the all-boy group (with the exception of the last) and they are the people I jive with...maybe because of my age gap with Rani and Ian and Malurd.

Shuck! It was already a week and I still want to spend time with that class and Ma'm Ria. Hope everything goes fine with our product trainer and I hope that our trainer is like Ria.

Well, now I've got to adjust once again to my ever changing world. A new chapter has opened and needs a new start. Im still confused to what I will show these guys. Maybe they need to know me. Maybe, for once, I'll make myself clear.

But maybe now's not the time...

Well, I still got this problem about my NBI clearance and I need to know how to solve that before anything else. That would take my mind of matters I always fail in. Again, yet again, she is too close yet I am too far. Hahahaha...never mind.

*****

Shit! for Gods sake I JUST GOT PISSED OFF!!! I hate it when one good day comes to a bad ending. yeah...we won but hell I had everything out of my hand...even myself and for that i give myself a pat in the back. Just shut up and do anything you could do to sustain yourself.

Well, its hard to do that!

Analytic Symptom #37: Deafness

Listen...


Just listen for a while...


You don't need to digest every little detail...please...just listen...


I cannot think of another way out. Its just this.

Take me as the person talking. I want you to not forget. I need you to hold on to everything I thought I could handle but was not able to. I want you to finish what you started that I was not able to. I need to move on...but I can't. I cannot see you anymore but I still know your face, and I can't forget.

Is it really you? Don't leave me...



...coz I will be the one to leave. Goodbyes are better when the one leaving is the one left alone. That way, no one will get hurt...he will not be missed.


I always thought I wanted to be missed but when this came, I really don't have the courage to accept the simple truth. The simple truth that even though I want to see your face, I will always be a few lightyears away. A mere glimpse is impossible...

...specially without your permission.

Without you...

But you never listen...Your senses are always closed...you will never notice....

You will never know.

*****

Music credits: Empty Tears, Empty Heart by Hale (Download nyu n lng to at pakingan...still can't figure the sound url thing...)

Analytic Symptom #36: Split Personality

Mundane as it might sound, I am only of the many structures of me. I really can't keep track of the personalities I have but at least, there's only one self at a time. Only one is visible and the others kept well hidden in the unseen corners of my head, showing only after a certain 'trigger'.

What are you thinking? Okay...Okay I'm may be crazy but I'm still as sane as you are! And no one cares about the randomness of your actions, considering that you are as random as the particles in chaos theory. Crap. Are you still dwelling on that good for nothing event that made your lufe miserable for almost 20 years now?

You mean birth?

No, For god's sake. Think! You are the only one accepting the fact that THAT happened to you and you cannot blame anyone for it. Explains all the hiding you've been doing for the past years that brought me to the picture. Can't you see? You are not alone.

Yeah...with you I'm not, I can't be more sarcastic about it.

And you've got to bring out the truth!

Yeah...and risk being alone again?! I don't even know if someone would listen and even if they do, i'm still not sure if they...

Lost for words?

...can stop me. If they can, then theres no way I could go ahead with my plans and all this crap. Schitnitz don't force me into anything just yet. I can't...just can't...

But why the hell are you waiting for this?

Another dimwit...

Shut the fuck up. Though you're so tough doesn't mean we all are. I can't help but agree with this sissy.

I thought you're on my side?

I am but crap, its the truth right? Anyway, we all are confused and just starting this conversation makes me crazy, the hell with ending it. The problem is this and we can never do anything about it. Just accept the fact that we are different and we are the same.

We already have.

And all we need is the right time to flush everything out the toilet...

But when is that? When can we realize that we must do it now? When do we know?

We wait. Someone would listen. Someone would read. Someone would realize. Someone would, perhaps, care.

Christmas is a few months ahead. We can wait for that and see what happens.

And blow the big fiasco unto half of the population you care about and expect them to understand?

They will...

We can only hope.

I can only try.

Analytic Symptom #35: Attachment Syndrome

Im itching all over. I hate it when I go to the salon (well, parlor's too...errr....you know) and have my hair cut. After all those times that you admired yourself because you have grown your hair to that length (and volume...too much volume, that is. A reason why I needed a cut). I was stuck with the impression that I could manage with what I have but I got to the point that I cannot. I can't think of another way out, coz I have tried everything, hairband, clips, two combs at a time, rubber bands, shaving cream XD, Sun-silk silky soft shampoo and stuff...well, you get my point. Now, I have to go back to the start like in a snakes and ladder's game when you step into the mouth that big green snake in the middle.

And another thing, those stylist are good. Yet they are a bit scary at times. When I was having my hair cut, a big fat ugly man was putting blush-on on his already very pink face...Ohhh, the terror it brings. Haha...no way in hell Im gonna do that.

How I wish everything was just like cutting your hair. Asking another skilled person to cut it for you and...WhaLahh...you're problem is solved...well, for a price ofcourse. I hope someone could do the very same thing to my whole life. Just cut everything down and start over again. Well, I only know one person who can do that and there's no way he's gonna come down here just to make me feel good, I'm really not that important.

Or maybe I can do that myself. It maybe messy and all but I can do and rearrange everything I have and do some prioritizing, deleting and re-editing of my life, in general. But I can't seem to let go of my routine. I can't accept the fact that I need to move on, even if it means that you will lose attachment to the very ones you keep track of. And there are many things I've been keeping that I may lose.

Or maybe I lost them already...I've lost them a long time ago.

Then, if that's the case, I can really move on and 'get over with my life' (take note: not 'get my life over with'). Just forget I even had the chance to stay. Forget everything. Forget....

Forget what?

My hair's about to grow again in a month's time. Maybe by then I have more friends to reckon with than the last time I did even considered having them.

I was too attached that Iam now afraid to be THAT attached again.

Analytic Symptom #34: Denial

/*This post has been delayed for some reason...so ill have to include more events...er....*/

I am quite abnormal today...as if I can become normal for a day or two. Anyway, For some reason, I decided to go home from the shop at 3:00 in the afternoon, which, by the way, was a first in this shop's lifetime. I have gone through whatever they call it (hell and back...sounds familiar) but crap this is just...uhmm...crappy. I have told myself never to tell myself to do these things but still I end up feeling what I keep myself from feeling. Ouch..it has been only a sem since I forgot it ever existed and now I have it again...damn.

And worse, its going away again leaving me like what it has done on me before.

At least now, no one knows...

Okay, I kept quiet in everything I have done, seen and felt coz I know how it hurts to let the person know when there are facts that say 'this is not right'. I don't know why I didn't want to be there when that time comes, maybe its the 'saying goodbye' thing. I left the shop before I do something drastic and sarcastic. Maybe its just that I used to my routine - its hard to divert from that routine - and everything would be different now.

Its better for me to be told goodbye than to say goodbye so...I left.

Hell...Im taking too long to do all these sentimental stuff coz of word limitation, well, you'd never understand.

I have found that thing again even if Im not looking for it anymore. Okay, the ones in my mind are just to keep myself sane. Im still denying the fact that im really abnormal and I cant be sure what others will think of me when they know who I really am. I have given hints and, I should say, they are true! I mixed them up with lies so no one would really be sure. Maybe that's why I dont know how to express myself to people.

Lets go back to reality. School's being cruel to me but IM NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!! and worse THIS HAPPENED BEFORE!!! Shit...I know where this is going. But theres still hope...but its fading ridiculously. Hussle, Vic, hussle. keep up with the work...

I just hate irony. I thought I could have time to do the important things this week but it just turned out to be the worst week this month. I have exams in 4 out of 5 days and a report and a paper due and a project that I have not finished yet. Now Ive got to cram more and more into my busy schedule. Luckily I had time to post and have some fun for an hour or 2. Well, If I get pass this, Ill be okay. I hope.

On a lighter note:
I wanted to watch "Tru Calling" yesterday and had to stay up just to know what happened next. I watched Star Wars on 7 and It so happened that I changed channel to 41 (MTV), and saw "Hale" on MTV sessions. I got to listen to 5 song and they're all...uhmm...great. At least, they somehow diverted from the melodramatic side but champs voice still gives that chilly aura to them. I want to hear "Hide and seek", "Eyes Wide Shut" and "Last Song" again just to know the lyrics. Or maybe Ill buy the album this week. I just need to be on track. Well, at least I can have music to turn to when all else fails.

Everything's gonna be fine. I just need to accept that I am unique and not deny that I can always be me.

I hope denial escapes me soon. I hope...again.

Analytic Symptom #33: Machiavellianism

I cannot sleep. After another week of my delinquency - well, not really since most of it happened by natural causes - I still cannot take my priorities to mind. I have spent every night of the week browsing a psychology dictionary word per word...well not really...mainly the ones that strike a certain aura...

After 3 night in a row of constant reading of psychology dicts, I have came upon a word - Machiavellianism (wow, I didn't realize I was in letter M already). The definition struck me so much that I now think Im a High Mach...

I really wont define the word here. It would so much of a giveaway.

Just to be sure, I think I'll take that MACH-IV exam sometime soon...the problem is where to get it. O well, Ill make myself sit for awhile.

And I have a bigger problem to face...ouch...

I wish I could use this so called 'disease' to my advantage for the next few days. I wish...

Analytic Symptom #32: Masochism

*****NOTE: Please...COMPLETE DISCLOSURE REQUIRED (okay...pretend you didn't read this post)******

Wearing my mask of different faces, I thought I had everything under control. I was laughing with my friends, playing games of war of two sides and we ridicule the ones that die in the hands of the opponent - like "die, die" - and laugh at our sadistic ways...well, technically, its just a game. Nothing personal. Good thing one of my friends won some money so I got to play with them. Well, its just that Im not financially capable right now.

It was a saturday evening. I always stay in the shop this late on saturdays. Its just that I have no problems here and I have people to talk to. Maybe its just me, but I hate the silence I always hear back there and the feeling that someone is looking at your back at all times, looking for mistakes they could blame on you.

I have learned to take every blame taken at me - martyr I may be - like a sponge soaked in a pail of water. To anyone that seem to know me, I am a good shock absorber, an anger management object and someone to pull in case you fall. I will not get angry. At least, I can make someone feel better. No one, except me, has seen me really angry...and I have no plans of showing that side of me to anyone coz if that happens...

Maybe, I have become numb of the pitfalls of life, even though those pitfalls are not mine. I have become so immune to flames and blames...explains my debate-hungry nature.

But tonight was different. My father would be home and He is only home on weekdays. I have stayed late again tonight, knowing they'll be waiting for me. I have a thick, hard skin. I got home at almost 11 and expected to be rained with sermon again, punching and attacking myself on the way back. But something happened...

Well, nothing for that matter.

No one did what I expected. Not even a word. I was relieved, and sat down in the kitchen to start a pseudo-work. I cannot stay there without anything to do, I really don't know why. Then I found this letter in front of the sala and found it was adressed to me, but already opened. I read it and it was from UP. I became blank for the next few minutes trying to digest what I was reading. There was only 3 short paragraphs but it took me 30mins to take it all. My deadline has elapsed and, considering our status right now, I think last year has begun to fall on me again. I never learn. Then I looked at my mother's eyes, but she looked back as if nothing happened. I got the message and took the letter, stored it in my bag. I went to bed shortly afterward.

I wanted to cry.

And I did.

I went to church the next day only to find myself in tears again in front of a lot of people. Well, i cannot hide this for long. I've got to let this out.

/*from evanescence's "Call me when you're sober"*/
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me

You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind

I thought I knew myself all this time. But there's always that side of you you could never know.

Or maybe I just left my mask back home.

No one could have possibly known that I had problems until they read this post. I have my mask again and I will not take it off anytime soon.

I must do something right away. I have many options and Ive got to try each and everyone of them.

But why is it that whatever I do, I always end up hurting myself. Maybe, Im just a psychotic masochist.

Please keep me from myself.

You only want it coz its over
Its over

...Ive made up your mind