Analytic Symptom #13: Fatigue

It has been a long week for the ordinary person like me. Much has happened and much of it causes certain pains and destruction in my life. Well, most of them anyway...but not all. Some of them improved my way of thinking...whether it may be bad or good. Nothing matters anyway.

I have searched the back of my mind why I do these things and still I find no answers. This week has been, as a summary, tiring.

I hiked to far away places beyond my recognition just to do some mischief and chaos to my whole existence and cuts and bruises to my physical state. It contributed to much of the stuff in my life these past few days...the late night excutions that mystically vanished for a month and came back this week, for some reason unknown, the unpredictability of my mind and the unstoppable thinking-aloud manners that make me appear crazier than I really am. I have thought about it and I have no regrets. I have done it twice this week...haha...

All this rain made me think of stuff. My mind floats so much these days that I didn't even realize that I have fallen from the topmost flight of stairs to the rough ground below. A few painful seizures will make me remember all things in my mind at the time for a long time.

Trips to uncharted regions made me physically weak for a day. I have never experienced having no sleep, hiking for about 4-5 hours, exercising on the way, not eating then going back to your house just to take all the nonsense from your annoyed mother and then, when you thought you could rest, taking care of your nephew. Nothing can exhaust a person better. All my strenght has been taken away from me today just because of a series of unfortunate events.

I will never regret anything I have done for the last couple of weeks even if they exhaust me this way forever. My decisions are mine to be responsible with. In fact, I will go hiking tomorrow again. I just hope I make it alone.

Maybe nothing else will be better for me. Life's lies, uncertainty and unpredictability has been taking the life force out from me but I won't let it get the best of me.

For now, no sorry for the wicked but my sorry will come on one big strike...only if I am sure i will never do it again. As for now, I will imitate life as it is.

I am tired of all these but I will not surrender to Life itself.

*****

Fatigue is the weariness caused by too much exertion

*****

Please wait for me. If you are tired of my crap, then forget me.But I will never be tired of your smile.

Analytic Symptom #12: Irritation

NOTE: Sorry for the heavy foul language involved in this post.

All hell has broken loose today given I had nothing to waste my time in hollow jeepneys just to find out that you cannot do anything in your destination. I looked at the bright side of the day...for one, I forgot to pay the jeepney driver for I slept all through the ride until I abruptly woke up to find out that I was almost passing my stop. He did not notice anyway so what the heck. I came back here and did the same thing I always do.

I found out heavy secrets of people that somehow I influenced. A big burden but I keep the same secret so no doubt I can keep it...I have kept mine for about 7-8 years now. Te day passed by chatting. Thats the only worthwhile thing I could do today. But the hell...nothing is special anyway...

Then, of all the time I could be interupted in a DotA game, the f*ckin computer programmer of the shop I play in crappily shuts every PC down...not even thinking of the customers...I might even say he IS not thinking at all...damn person. We were having a great game and then this has to happen.

If this unconvinience persists, given that VJ has found a more comfortable and cheap PC shop, It will be not our fault if we transfer to another shop.

I hope that will never happen but the hell...if everything turns out this way...I will!!

*****

Irritation: A stubborn pain or unlikely feeling in ones body/mind.

Analytic Symptom #11: Silence

Nothing comprises this world

Except undetermined words

Spoken only to fail his master

Hate strangely creep

Confusion sets in the heart of the uncertain

Helplessness leaves us tainted

The lack of hope makes us fragile

Nothing comprises this world except failed hearts

Never attempting, never risking

But how did I not see

The beauty that lies

Right under my eyes

My words may be unspoken but they are heard

They may not be real, yet they are not lies

I have never seen you as you are now to me

Thus with all these strangeness

I shall never speak again...

*****

Silence is the lack of audible sound

Analytic Symptom #10: Frequent Headaches

I know this is quite obvious given that I have not used my brain for...uhmmm...about half a year...well not that seriously, anyway! But the heck, I thought I will have less of these headaches but they seem to be cropping up these days more often. I really don't know why but I guess....

Maybe plainly because I don't have cash this past few days...kahit man lng pang e-net tapos pag meron lagi nmng wala un hinihintay ko...tapos nun nanjan, ayaw me sagutin...well, I have already coped with the fact anyway...

Maybe because I have all these school papers to attend to...given the grand fiasco that happened last sem and that my scholarship shifted from this to that in a matter of months...That gave my quite a few head-crashing pain...

Maybe because I'm missing a person all this time but I never have the courage and the time to see her and that one of my close friends is drifting even farther apart from the rest of us...I really wouldn't like another parting and all that crap...

Maybe because of those chess matches we had these last few days that give me that creeps...the "The players do not see the moves and the audience see all the winning touches" kind of game...they say it's making a great comedy show...

Maybe because I stay late every night reading a book entitled 'Totem' thats full of grotesque and morbid deaths...horror kasi. The funny fact is that I was only interested in the name of the author Ehren M. (<--pronounced as 'ehm') Ehly. Like she loves the sound 'eh'...

Maybe because of my son...este nephew...that I always take care off. Sa kakulitan mababalda ka ng di oras...tapos 2nd floor pa kami nakatira at aatakihin ka sa puso pag tumakbo bigla sa hagdanan. Why I called him son? Well, because that's what other people think. I get comments like "Cute naman...anak mo?" and "Ay un anak mo nanakbo!" or "Bili mo naman ng kendi yang anak mo" for I guess the 27th time last time I checked...hay naku...ayaw ko ngang tumanda pero binibigyan agad ako ng anak...not that I don't want one but for God's sake, I'm just 19...

Or maybe, just maybe, It's because I'm not using my brain for a loooooooooooooong time now...

i guess thats what it is...

maybe...

*****

Headaches are major pains in the head.

Analytic Symptom #9: Guilt

What the hell is happening to me these past few weeks? I am not in the right state of mind, I rebel (for one) and I become as annoyed as hell most of the times. I have never been like this for...uhmm...7 years, I think.

Another thing that I hate about the past few months is that I have drifted from my family even farther...taking note that I have not even been that close to them.

First, my sister (the eldest of my siblings) and I had rows...not a few but a lot of them. Most of them are mainly my fault and a few just because I'm not following or something...but I always keep my responsibility at range and I do whatever I am told...so nothing important about that...well not for now anyway...

Then, I pissed my mother off last mother's day. Nice gift I gave give her...but crap...I had a fair point and all, but then I felt I was crushed between two freagin' stones and I felt like I never did anything right and so...I walked away and did not come back until it was too dark to walk alone.

Well, here's the story.

I tried my 100% to not to go out on mother's day and I can say I made about 75% of it (since I slipped away for an hour or two). My sister's husband initiated a general cleaning and so we had no choice but to clean...it was mother's day anyway so what the heck. So they took each and every dusty equipment out of the closet and into our wooden floor. A scrub here, a wipe there, some maintenance we were doing. Then after it all, my mother told me to put some thing back to where they were. So I did as I am told. I rested for a minute then came back to work. After some time, she scolded me because I put those things back in the closet...The hell...She told me just that! Then she added the reason for cleaning and stuff and I argued my point back. We were in intense arguments when my sister rushed to my mother's aid. I felt like two authorities nagging the hell out of me. I couldn't take the pressure and walked away until it was 10pm i think.

I am a bad guy I know...but doing that on mother's day is like a stab in the back from a son...

I felt guilty...I must feel guilty...I'm not a barren piece of sh!t you know!

Well, we had two days of no communication at close distance but then she talked to me and now we are ok...I think...she does not keep anger you know...

And She's the best if I might add...

well, Nothing is better than a nice argument settled...but I can't take to do that again...unless I'm really pissed off....which I hope would never happen again.

*****

Guilt is the fact or feeling of being responsible for a mischievous or unlikely act.

Analytic Symptom #8: Stupidity

It has been a crappy day as far as I have seen it. Everything was out of my whole grand plan of a happy day. I planned and expected it to be a day-to-look-forward-to and that made me even more unsatisfied with the way all turned out to be.

okay...let the whole story begin!

I planned to go to UP about a week ago and there turned out to be this KISSS thing that you can attend that will teach you to write HTML/CSS files for my very own website (Which I do need...matagal ko nang kinukulit si pier para sa isang HTML book pero nde daw niya makita so Im stuck with doing nothing anyway). I thought that will help me a lot...in more ways than one! I will learn to do HTML and go to school and see the people I wanted to see for a long time and most of all...uhmm...well...I did not have the chance to do it anyway so...awww...just forget it...

So I asked my mother if I could come to school, and she took the hell out of me...literally... so that she would say "yes". She said all the possible excuses like "mag-aalaga ka ng pamangkin", "wala akong ibibigay na pamasahe sayo" and "aalis kami ni ate mo". She didn't even answer yes to my "Can I go?" question...I sort of woke-up-early-took-a-bath-brushed-my-teeth-put-on-a-get-up-asked-for-fare-and-got-goin'...well, she had no choice (sayang pagod ko). But I did not get out of the house without the her usual sermon about the things I should do. FGS! Its just a day out of my routine! That started my day!

I got out of the house and about 5 minutes out on the streets, It rained. I had to run to reach the nearest vacant space where there were no falling raindrops...andthe worse thing, I'm late...I said I'd meet pier at 6:30 and it already almost 7:00. I rushed and found that pier was not there anymore...or yet...for that matter. I went to UP alone...

It was still raining when I got to Eng'g building in UP...in which case, I was almost soaked in rain water (nasa gilid kasi ako sa unahan ng jeep tapos wala pa tabing un jeep kaya lahat ng ulan sakin pumapatak). I had to run again from AS to Eng'g...

I then found that the cursor tambayan was vacant for some reason. Wala akong ka close na matatanong tungkol sa KISSS na un. I had no choice but to go back to the Eng'g entrance in hopes of meeting someone familiar...And guess what...I saw Pier standing there waiting for...I don't know...me? haha...I will not take the KISSS humiliation alone. We went to the room and I saw Cai, the 4th year one (not my batchmate). At least now I have someone to ask about this seminar or something. We got in perfectly without any trouble (THANK GOD!).

The session was starting already so we sort of made our way into 2 unoccupied PC's. Good thing there were only about 5 people in the room and we were not so disturbing. At this point, I was looking for familiar faces na akala ko nagoorganize din nun event. For some reason, I miss them for a long time that I wanted to see...*ahem*...them (...) more than I wanted to listen to mari. I asked Cai to my friend's whereabouts but she said she don't know. My spirit kind of sank.

Then, with a sudden flash of hope, the other Cai (my batchmate) showed up and gave me a...not a hug but a...punch. Nice welcome! I thought everyone I was expecting is with her but no one followed her except Louis (her BF). At least I got to cahnce to punch her as well.

No offense to Maricon but the whole session bored me. Its not her but me. I learned more to what Pier was doing rather than what Mari was teaching. Then, many other people came and that made me more uninterested because the noise level was rising and I can't make out what mari is saying. At least, I got what she was pointing out and was catching up just fine (thanks to pier). Then, Rowell, the Cursor person that I wanted to see the least, came and told me about my Cursor status, again, the one I wanted to hear the least. That brightened up my day even more! It all ended and I did not see the people I was expecting to see and I did not have the chance to do the things I had to do. Cra$p!

I wanted to look for Cai to say goodbye and tell her something I wanted her to tell the others but she seem to be eating somewhere or something, and she was out of sight. I had no choice but to go because only have until 3 to go back home and I am hungry already.

The rain seemed to mock me all the way...

At least, I had someone to talk to.

I wanted to rest but I cannot, for some reason. I had everything planned out but nothing happened...and the way the day was going was even worse than I thought.

How can I be so stupid and expect more from life. It's just soooooooooooooooooooo ironic and unfair...

AZAR!

*****

Stupidity is the state in which a person tends to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.

*****

okay, I'll admit it, ikaw lang talaga ipinunta ko dun.

Analytic Symptom #7: Pathologic Lies

No one knows me.

Nothing here made me who I am, and nothing here shall change me until someone knows of my whole existence. But nobody can and nobody will, unless I pour myself to one unknown stranger...but I hope that time will never come. I cannot stand the knowledge that someone will have all the needed evidences to judge my each and every action. My life revolves around lies and secrets that nobody shall be able to acknowledge my very existence. Even at the very beggining, I have learned to rely on Logic to state my every move on life. Something true, everything false and nothing real.

Truth can imply only the truth.

Falsehood can imply anything.

Maybe it's just my escape from the coordination of reality and my own world. I can't take that my world can never surpass the threads of the real world...the world that is so cruel that I don't want to live in it anymore...but has no choice but to live in it anyway.

If this world is fully based on real logic then it would crumble like a supercomputer with only a faulty logic gate when I say "Everything I tell is a Lie". If I'm telling a lie then the statement is also a lie, meaning I'm telling the truth. Truth and Lies can never be present at the same time. Too much damage by a little statement. Imagine how I know my own reality...

I have told a lot of tall stories and a lot of real actions and I bind them to my very own existence. I keep track of everything that I say and connect them to an organized manner so that things are left unchanged by the ooposing lies. I have reasons, but no one would understand.

Somethings are better left unsaid and most of them are true. true to the point that no one wants to hear them anymore. At the end of the day, most people prefer to lie and leave the details unsaid. How ironic that many of us suffer these dillemmas. I have...

Nobody shall be contented with reality so they make their own and make them real for themselves. Nothing can change that fact.

I have nothing more to say for they are all lies.

Nothing more...

*****

Lies are causes of a certain mental illness that makes a person not say the truth and create their own story with the use of certain details that are available. It varies from being not able to say the truth to telling lies just to be noticed. Excessive lies become harmful and pathologic as time goes by.

*****

There has been a reported case wherein a mother reported that her daughter was not breathing and needed a spinal tap (a process in which doctor tap the baby's spinal cord so that brain signals can pass through normally but when the procedure fails, the patient may die). After the procedure, the baby was normal and on to recovery. The mother then confessed that no one was paying attention to her so she made that decision. She also said that the baby was perfectly normal at the time she reported the incident...she was breathing normally and was just fast asleep.

The mother was rehabilitated for a year.

She was a pathologic liar.

Analytic Symptom #6: Anger

I just hate it when these things happen. Negative energy is always transferred from another mind to yours if a person in the vicinity becomes angry. Please, for God's sake, i'ts just a game! Its nothing life threathening or anything...but why don't we just enjoy the damned thing! Dammit! That shouting and f*cking curses made me more unstable than the one that the curses are pointed out to. I have been in the receiving end of those words and I know how it felt...And its not a good feeling...Like your whole reputation stands in the thin line between being maintained and being shattered...then being humiliated at the end by a good for nothing player that shouts insults when he's winning and makes stricken comments when he's losing...laki ng ego na hindi na matatangal ang kayabangan...I just makes me so pissed off I want to punch him right in the face...pero sabi ko nga, it's just a game. I can control myself you know! but not for long...I have limits you know?

Just let go of your "I must win" ego because it will do you no good...I did that letting go about a month ago...walang naitulong e. Natalo pa rin kami.

Unti unti nang nawawala interes ko dati sa DotA...kung dati pinag-aaralan ko lahat ng hero, ngaun parang gusto ko na silang isumpa! parang gusto ko na silang I mass destruct...

Exaggerated but true...

Nothing personal but now I realize that I have made a mistake of making my vacation life turn around DotA...OKay...I have made really Good friends because of DotA specially expanding my circle of friends from my classmates only to the "Icon6" barkada. And Im most thankful for my teammates for they made the hardest times of my life seem like a simple game. They listen and thats all I need.

I may never play DotA again if it means that my team and friends become angry at me and my whole barkada...at least it's safer that way.

Bukas RF na lng siguro...

I have learned that lesson that 'anger will never make anything good' a long time ago...I guess since birth. My father has always been the type that will shout on you if you have done something that is against his feelings...I have almost swallowed a whole banana pealing because he made me and my brother eat them because he thought we left them in the sink...cruel yah? Well, we had no choice but to live with the fact that he is my father. He would hurt us every time we don't obey but he's improved now. He doesn't hurt us anymore...well not physically anyway...but he's voice is most of the times 'shouting'...maybe its just him. I guess Its his nature and nobody can change that. I've got to live with it, eh?

Now, I have a phobia on fathers...I hope this goes away...

One single evidence why anger, for me, does not do anything good. I did a long-term damage to me and I hope it doesn't make another damage on my personality...long nor short term.

I know people have limits and can be angry, but (Please!) just be clear the next time you see the other party and explain yourself and let him (or them) explain too. that way, everything will be just fine. No Fight...No struggle right?!

Well, nothing can be more satisfying than having everything cleared up after a fight. Well, I can say I only became trully angry angry once and no one...okay one person only...saw that happen.

I just hope I don't get angry anytime soon...

That will make me age! I hate aging!

Well...at least, I don't have this particular symptom! Haha! A light note...

****

Anger is the state of mind where you cannot control yourself and your mind because of sudden emotions directed to something undesirable for you.

****

"What's the use of anger anyway?"
-anonymous

Analytic Symptom #5: Change in Cognitive Functions

I have been out of normal circulation in the past few days. My normal thinking is really ceased and my normal abilities seem to float away into nothing. What the hell is happening to me? I am now frequently having headaches when I go back to my house from duty...And by duty I mean another worthless day from the computer shop. Well, it's not all that worthless but it all sums up to fall in the cathegory of "worthless work". My friends say I am getting old at things...DotA being one of them...haha...I'm planning on quitting DotA anyway...but not RF if you're wondering.

Back to the topic of me getting too old...or let's just forget me getting old...I don't want to get old...

Age stinks...

I have been through this stage of frequent headaches, I'm-loosing-my-ability and being-out days three times since I can remember. I really can't figure out why I go through this stages but I know if they are coming but still I can't seem to know what to do. I have never prevented them but, as far as I know, I survived them.

First, when I was going to High School and everyone expects too much of me. For god's sake, I was only top six of my class in elementary but all the pressure is on my shoulder and the worse thing is that I was not using my, or rather 'our', money for my education but that of my relatives and of the government. I had to shift from happy-go-lucky kid to a studious high school student. But, with all that GREAT competition, it didn't pay of that much.

Second, last year only when I was again shifting from the good-studious-great high school student into a delinquent college prat. Haha...napabayaan ko na aking mga clase kasi hindi naman required na pumasok sa lahat ng oras e kaya un...pag napagtripan hindi aatend sa mga boring na clase...well my head did not ache much too often those days but it rather felt uneasy specially when the Exam days come and the surprise recits come your way...Haha...I remember going out to the CR, after the checking of attendance, in a surprise recit day and I didn't come back...buti na lang hindi ako natawag nung araw na un...hehe...

Then now, I want to revert back to that person I was 6 years ago when I was still a good student (the one doing homeworks, projects and the one that studies). I really miss school. I don't know why but I miss being pressured by peers and teachers alike. I am now thinking of my next step and that makes my head surge with pain...talagang pag hindi nagagamit ng matagal sumasakit noh?...but I can't blame anyone for my status nowadays...hehe...It's not anybody's fault, is it? It really doesn't matter anymore for it has passed...or I hope it did...

Another change and my head will explode...I just hope I stay in my current state of mind so that no more blood stricken pain exhales both in my physical and emotional states...

I'm just glad these attacks never happen suddenly...

A new start, a new beginning and a new outlook for the future is all that I need for my to move on...maybe I've got it already...hehe...

*****

Cognitive Funtioning is the normal way that one's mind moves or thinks depending on his mental history and habits. A sudden change in one's cognitive function (an improvement or downfall) may be a sign for a mental illness. One of the most obvious symptoms is frequent head aches.

Examples: An accountant for 5 years suddenly looses his ability to compute simple mathematical problem. A person with a not-so-great educational background suddenly becomes a genius. A DotA addict becomes banban for no reason at all (tumatanda na daw ^_^).

*****

"Sumasakin na ulo ko". At least this one's done on purpose!

*****

I'm not implying that I'm going crazy because really I am!

Analytic Symptom #4: Hallucinations

The night was so young that night. I was out on our balcony lying there with nothing to do. The sandman was not even showing up even though it was already 12:00 in the morning. I kept staring at the stars taking into consideration each and every movement that might mean a falling star or an alien spacecraft hovering somewhere overhead. I kept staring at the rosary constellation while saying an unintended prayer for the day to come. The Big Dipper is now deeper into the sky than I thought. Every now and then I kept looking for the Polaris to tell what time it was.

30 minutes later still nothing happens to my whole boring excursions of the skies. Every twinkling light out there seem to mock me with the most number of insults. But my mind came to a halt as soon as the memory of her came into view. I just hate these phases when in the middle of nowhere I see her face floating towards the moon or something. I hate to think that I did not have time for her then, then all these has to happen. All these cr*p about me leaving her behind, about me taking another step towards my other self. Why does it have to be this way?

Then something called my name but, FYI, it was not her but the voice of a guy...a familiar guy. A friend of mine. I don't know why he called but I had no choice but to answer. I walked down the big steps of our house to our mini-gate but nobody was there. Maybe it was just my imagination because It could not be really calling at this time of the night. But why did I hear his voice? I really don't know...

A flowery scent sent creeps up my neck. I really miss them that much, don't I? but no matter, I had my own scent to carry on to. Maybe nobody will make me stay this way...I'm just out of circulation these days...

Music from the shop kept me company for the rest of the night. I sang in the tune of "24Hours" until sleep came to me. I had no choice but to sleep on the wooden floor but it did not differ from my bed...

Tomorrow will be fine as long as I don't let anyone see me in this condition. Reminiscing everything this way will make me look like a crazy person ready to take on his own world. Thank God I have these conditions only at night.

I just want to hold on to the memories of yesterday and may they guide me tomorrow...and tomorrow...and the next days of my life...

I just hope they are all real...

****

Hallucinations are triggered stimuli even though there is no existing cause for the stimuli to be triggered. This causes false images for the five senses and the one experiencing these situations may make the happenings to be true and might hurt them.

****

Points to ponder:

If a tree false in the woods but nobody was there to hear or see the fall, did it fall?

Imagine yourself in a locked room and without anything in it. Then you smell a scent or see something move. How do you know that it is real?

How do we prove that this whole world is real?

Analytic Symptom #3: Rapid Eye Movement (REM)

It was one ordinary routine. The day started and continued for hours and hours and I never noticed how time passed. I did not realize it was becoming dark. The streetlights are now lit while I was waiting for someone. I took out my math notes for I will be having my math exam the next day. Then it happened. He just passed me by while I was sitting there alone reading my notes...

I had the habit of labeling people at the time and the ones that strike me are the ones taking most of the mischievous labels. I saw him wearing a pink shirt labelled "Nobody knows I'm gay". Well, maybe thats enough on what I wanted to ask him...I thought "wala palang nakakaalam e...bakit hindi mo pa sabihin" then I laughed...a hearty laugh...and the next thing I knew was that he was looking at me smiling. That smile wipped the happiness from my face...It's getting dark and I'm alone in this street...Whoa! Thats not a good sign.

He approached me at a fast pace. I was afraid of two things: one, he was about to punch or kick me and Two, a worse thought. He was still wearing that evil smile. I closed my eyes for the worse...then a voice said "kuya...wallet mo ata un o...muntik ko nang maapakan". I was shocked at the improvement of things and my mind had nothing to say but "bading ka nga? (aba wala na akong masabi e)". "sa tingin mo?" he replied. "Hindi...(<--a lie)" I said. then he started ranting about "kung sa tingin mo bading ako...siguro nga bading ako. kung tingin mo hindi, siguro nga hindi...kung wala kang tingin sakin...bulag ka" stuff and he went his way. I was stunned at the power of his words. Then something collided with my face...

"hoy Vic, wallet mo nakakalat. baka hindi ka pa makauwi nyan!" the friend I was waiting for slapped me in the face with my own wallet. That hurt, thus, It made me come back to my senses. "wag ka ngang matulog sa madilim na parte ng mundo at baka kung ano pang mangyari sayo!" I almost freaked out at the time and wanted to go to the nearest visible light. "Meron ka bang nakitang tao na naka-pink doon kanina?" I asked. "Wala...ikaw lang tulog!" she replied. I hastened to the jeepney. She asked me why I was rushing and I told her the whole story.

Now, I realized that I recognize the guy's face and it is very familiar...the one I see almost everyday...but how can he...I can't imagine...

Until now his words are still stuck to my mind and maybe it became part of me. I had the feeling I needed something from him.

Now I never label people for what I see. A lesson hard learned!

****

Rapid Eye Movement is a phenomenon that occurs at stage 4 (or deep sleeps stage) of sleep. Our mind tend to associate the conscious from the unconcious experience of our body.

Analytic Symptom #2: Nostalgia

Every now and then, my mind flies out and goes out to nowhere in particular just to find my body unable to take the pressure. Hands shaking, mind racing and ultimately my whole body trembling in the middle of a game I'm suppose to be good at. Or maybe I didn't become good at that either. I didn't have enough energy to do two things at the same time...To wait for her and to waste my time playing a game I wanted to win at. but these things broke me down.

I miss the times when I had to think about what I should do next. To look forward on seeing her again after some 1-2 hours later. To stay at a place that, even though Im not comfortable in, I stay just to fill my time...a place where I can do anything. OK...I miss my whole barkada back in UP but I still got to decide whether Im going to back to living poor with the Up-class people or staying where I can say I belong (well, not the lower class but the mediocre). haha...maybe I really have that "Obssesive Compulsive Disorder" and that "Sleep Apnea" thing and that makes me underconstruction at the time. Maybe I will never be whole again...I hope not...

I just hope to see my memories crystal clear once again as I once did...but what are memories anyway? a bunch of stored chemicals between the medial lobe and the cerebrum that's waiting to be untapped. Well, thats what I get from reading too much psychiatry books and watching Eliza Duskhu (<---I love her) of the "Tru Calling" (in which they say It's true that your whole life DOES flash before your eyes when you die...or before you die that is). Ok...let's say I die...what will I remember?

Age 2: I almost slept while I had banana pealings stuck in my mouth since I was punished for things I did not get...

Age 5: I was happily going to my neighbor then I tripped over a stone. Then I happily stood up and played but my friends run away...I just noticed blood tricking from my forehead...happy times...

Age 11: I bought chocolate (cheap ones I might add) and left it in a classmates seat...Then one Ugly classmate of mine said "nililigawan mo ba kaibigan ko?"...well, that shattered my world!

Age 14: I had my very first...uhmm...never mind..

Age 16: Skip...hehehehe.....

Age 17: naalala ko lagi si Lenneth...or...cya na un...

Age 18: I had the worst year of my life...very low grades...low on cash and low on everything...

Age 19: Well, nothing more...I died right?

Well, I accepted that "I am going to die tomorrow" a long time ago anyway so whats the use...

Well, I Got to move on with life but I want everyone in my life to be there with me all the way...

Nothing else would make me happier...


****

I just figured out within the past few days why I am fascinated by the name "Lenneth" I've been using for the past two years...

thats too much of a clue isn't it?....haha

****

Nostalgia: State of the mind in which the person experiences different feelings (may be bad or good) about happenings from the past.

Analytic Symptom #1: Distress

I have nothing to tell

and nothing to write about

but my mind is filled with everything

that concerns you

I cannot stop and think,

I never knew you anyway

but i still get hurt

When i read

about you and your world...

I may never be part of it

I will never be

Unless...

Unless...It does...

But still nothing happens...

I wish you were somewhere near...

Or somewhere just as far...

For my Life to start to turn again.

****

Distress is the state in which a person needs immediate help.