Analytic Symptom #9: Guilt

What the hell is happening to me these past few weeks? I am not in the right state of mind, I rebel (for one) and I become as annoyed as hell most of the times. I have never been like this for...uhmm...7 years, I think.

Another thing that I hate about the past few months is that I have drifted from my family even farther...taking note that I have not even been that close to them.

First, my sister (the eldest of my siblings) and I had rows...not a few but a lot of them. Most of them are mainly my fault and a few just because I'm not following or something...but I always keep my responsibility at range and I do whatever I am told...so nothing important about that...well not for now anyway...

Then, I pissed my mother off last mother's day. Nice gift I gave give her...but crap...I had a fair point and all, but then I felt I was crushed between two freagin' stones and I felt like I never did anything right and so...I walked away and did not come back until it was too dark to walk alone.

Well, here's the story.

I tried my 100% to not to go out on mother's day and I can say I made about 75% of it (since I slipped away for an hour or two). My sister's husband initiated a general cleaning and so we had no choice but to clean...it was mother's day anyway so what the heck. So they took each and every dusty equipment out of the closet and into our wooden floor. A scrub here, a wipe there, some maintenance we were doing. Then after it all, my mother told me to put some thing back to where they were. So I did as I am told. I rested for a minute then came back to work. After some time, she scolded me because I put those things back in the closet...The hell...She told me just that! Then she added the reason for cleaning and stuff and I argued my point back. We were in intense arguments when my sister rushed to my mother's aid. I felt like two authorities nagging the hell out of me. I couldn't take the pressure and walked away until it was 10pm i think.

I am a bad guy I know...but doing that on mother's day is like a stab in the back from a son...

I felt guilty...I must feel guilty...I'm not a barren piece of sh!t you know!

Well, we had two days of no communication at close distance but then she talked to me and now we are ok...I think...she does not keep anger you know...

And She's the best if I might add...

well, Nothing is better than a nice argument settled...but I can't take to do that again...unless I'm really pissed off....which I hope would never happen again.

*****

Guilt is the fact or feeling of being responsible for a mischievous or unlikely act.