You may have seen that I have changed my blog name from delusional to Schizotypal PD, and thats for good reasons.
First is that my blog-title-comment is more appropriate with the new title.
Second is that I just found out that I have the disorder. I have not yet confirmed it from a real psychiatrist but as I know, the symptoms are all pointing to who I think I am.
Haha....I don't know why I am so happy now that I know that I have a mental problem...maybe Im just crazy. or maybe its because I want to know and accept myself before I can brag it to others. Well, awareness is really the first step to aceptance, ain't it? nothing special... hirap...lalim kasi ng utak ko...d ko maarok...
Hahahhahaha......this is what I get from reading too much psychiatry books. I get too much info about how my (and other's) mind/s work.
*****
Schizotypal Personality Disorder is a mental disorder that is more like schizophrenia (pagkabaliw). The person with this PD, whether consciously or unconsciously, experiences paranoia*, schizoid** reaction, cyclothymic*** feelings and have eccentric speech patterns, thoughts and ideas. The only difference is that people Psychotypal PD experience no delusions, hallucinations or the like and they don't show the true form of the actual mental disorientation. They just don't want to follow the real world (<-- my idea ^_^)
*Paranoia - uncontrolable envy or suspicion with respect to physical reference.
**Schizoid - A trait on being lonesome. Most of the time, people with schizoid reactions have very few close friends, are always anxious in social gatherings and engage in introverted and shut-in thinking.
***Cyclothymic - unbalanced feelings due to the Bipolar mood disorder, in which case, the patient experiences alternating moods of different degrees. Like In one time your so depressed then a minute later your very happy then you get angry for no reason at all.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Analytic Symptom #19: Psychokinesis
Is my mind that powerful today?
Well, it just so happened that much of the things that I thought about today happened! maybe its just pure coincidence but hell, everything DID go as I wanted it to be...well...almost...
Starting with my first class...We have a quiz at 8:30 and I came in katips at 8:31...a very bad omen since there is a travel time from katips to UP that's about 15mins...So ill be late for at least 15 mins, and the quiz will be done by then. "Crap" I thought...thats 20 points deducted if I dont get the test. I hastened to the Engg building as soon as I went down the jeep...then I saw the clock at engg and it said "8 mins before 9". I will not reach our room in time to even take an answer. I thought "Sana ma late si Sir Pio...Sana ma late si Sir Pio". To my surprise, our room was not yet open and my classmates are still reviewing outside. Nice...I even got the time to review a bit...
I got an average of 12/10 points in the quiz...Nice!
Then, after a whole 3 hours (2 and a half actually) of computer knowledge I just wanted to eat lunch and not attend my Geog 1 class. But since I still dont have a classcard in the subject I needed to get in class. I rushed to the fourth floor to our room...10 mins later somebody came and said that maam Cadorna will not be coming. I got Lunch on time...hehehe
Then, I wanted to play either RF or DotA after classes. I went to a shop near Up and found that there was a functional (but quite slow) PC with RF on it. I got to play Rf for about 45 mins before my load ran out. I had no choice but to play DotA with AI...then someone asked me to join them so that we will have a 3on3 game. Hahahah...nice timing! I joined but I thought that we would lose since I dont know my teammates and the 3 on the other side knows their teammates. I chose Lina Inverse so that we will have at least one killer/pusher in the team. At first we were harrassed and was being owned by push (Ezalor on my side and Lich on Sandking's side.) but I got the Foirst blood...
Guess what? We owned them! They only got two towers We got all!
After the match, I wanted to go home but they wanted a rematch. I did not oblige lewaving them in fury of me...heheheh
I just hope tomorrow will be like today. But I will need all the Luck I can get with...uhmm...you know...well...maybe you really don't. hahaha....
*****
I don't know how this would fit in but there were two girls and a boy in front of AS shouting "Mabuhay ang mga Lesbian at Gays" with a big banner saying "Happy Gay Day". There was a gruop behind them that shouts with them. We just smiled and walked away...
*****
Psychokinesis is the ability to influence the behavior of matter by mental intention or activity, whether conciously or unconciously
Well, it just so happened that much of the things that I thought about today happened! maybe its just pure coincidence but hell, everything DID go as I wanted it to be...well...almost...
Starting with my first class...We have a quiz at 8:30 and I came in katips at 8:31...a very bad omen since there is a travel time from katips to UP that's about 15mins...So ill be late for at least 15 mins, and the quiz will be done by then. "Crap" I thought...thats 20 points deducted if I dont get the test. I hastened to the Engg building as soon as I went down the jeep...then I saw the clock at engg and it said "8 mins before 9". I will not reach our room in time to even take an answer. I thought "Sana ma late si Sir Pio...Sana ma late si Sir Pio". To my surprise, our room was not yet open and my classmates are still reviewing outside. Nice...I even got the time to review a bit...
I got an average of 12/10 points in the quiz...Nice!
Then, after a whole 3 hours (2 and a half actually) of computer knowledge I just wanted to eat lunch and not attend my Geog 1 class. But since I still dont have a classcard in the subject I needed to get in class. I rushed to the fourth floor to our room...10 mins later somebody came and said that maam Cadorna will not be coming. I got Lunch on time...hehehe
Then, I wanted to play either RF or DotA after classes. I went to a shop near Up and found that there was a functional (but quite slow) PC with RF on it. I got to play Rf for about 45 mins before my load ran out. I had no choice but to play DotA with AI...then someone asked me to join them so that we will have a 3on3 game. Hahahah...nice timing! I joined but I thought that we would lose since I dont know my teammates and the 3 on the other side knows their teammates. I chose Lina Inverse so that we will have at least one killer/pusher in the team. At first we were harrassed and was being owned by push (Ezalor on my side and Lich on Sandking's side.) but I got the Foirst blood...
Guess what? We owned them! They only got two towers We got all!
After the match, I wanted to go home but they wanted a rematch. I did not oblige lewaving them in fury of me...heheheh
I just hope tomorrow will be like today. But I will need all the Luck I can get with...uhmm...you know...well...maybe you really don't. hahaha....
*****
I don't know how this would fit in but there were two girls and a boy in front of AS shouting "Mabuhay ang mga Lesbian at Gays" with a big banner saying "Happy Gay Day". There was a gruop behind them that shouts with them. We just smiled and walked away...
*****
Psychokinesis is the ability to influence the behavior of matter by mental intention or activity, whether conciously or unconciously
Friday, June 23, 2006
Analytic Symptom #18: Amnesia
Nice first two weeks of school. I thought I could not make it to the last day of late registration but, with the help of human angelic enough to help, I made it just in time before the 'AS paying booth' closes. But bad enough, I forgot their names. Well, thanks anyway...whoever you guys are!
Okay first week, I was on scrambles for subjects and now I ended in subjects I like and in the time I most preferred (Thank God for the fortunate outcome of my SCHOOL life)...kaso 15 units lng kaya hindi p rin ako pwedeng magbagsak because it says in my contract that I must take and pass at least 15 units...so no dropping, LOA, excessive abscences and delinquency this sem...I hope....
The better thing is that I have the most preferrable teachers I can get. Math 54, Sir Abueg, a very considerate teacher according to rumors. CS 21, Sir Pio na ka org ko kaya I have a better chance of passing ^_^. Sir JP in CS32...well, he's not that considerate but he teaches well and I prefer him rather than Sir Quiwa (na College Deankaya ang taas ng expectations pero mababa ang Grade Ceiling...if you know what I mean). Then Ma'am Cadorna in geog 1, she is like a new graduate teacher and she interacts with her students and she is the makwento type...and she is anti-cueshe...heheheh...evil. I think I can do good this sem but I will not take my studies for granted given this circumstances.
Do I look like someone from a prison or something? well, I was detained for a sem or two but I was not in prison for Sir JP to call me 'Kakosa'. Mukha daw kasi akong bagong labas sa munti sa pic n binigay ko sa kanya. well, I can't say he's wrong...hehehe...
But I guess all these will be forgotten as soon as I take my first exam on any subject. Math 54 1st exam scheduled on July 5 and I must study as early as now. My mind cannot hold that much info...given I have not put anything in it for along time. I just hope I get everything done before I get the chance to forget what I was here for. or if I don't get the chance, i think Ill forget everything about it...which is a bad idea.
Well, Study hard and Play hard is better so that I won't forget the things I must do. I'll need my rest now...
*****
Please forget everything you have read and think, as if it never happend and existed. If you don't want my presence, I will be as invisible as I can be. It's just that I'm too insecure to take on life as it is, take on what I think will make me happy, take the risk. I will be contented on seeing your silhouette in front of me with your hair blocking most of your lovely face. I just hope I can approach you as a friend just like the last time. But I cannot make you forget, can I? I hurts me to approach you when you dan't want to talk to me. Or maybe its just me....
I just hope I can turn back time....
*****
The music playlist in here plays the most...uhmm...appropriate sounds.
'Tumatakbo' by Mojofly
'Minamahal kita' by Parokya ni Edgar
'Runaway' by Hale
'Here Tonight' by Hale
'Jeepney' by SpongeCola
'Torpe' by Barbie's Cradle
'Beer' by Itchyworms....
I hate coincidence...
*****
Amnesia is the lost of memory due to physical or mental pressure/injury.
Okay first week, I was on scrambles for subjects and now I ended in subjects I like and in the time I most preferred (Thank God for the fortunate outcome of my SCHOOL life)...kaso 15 units lng kaya hindi p rin ako pwedeng magbagsak because it says in my contract that I must take and pass at least 15 units...so no dropping, LOA, excessive abscences and delinquency this sem...I hope....
The better thing is that I have the most preferrable teachers I can get. Math 54, Sir Abueg, a very considerate teacher according to rumors. CS 21, Sir Pio na ka org ko kaya I have a better chance of passing ^_^. Sir JP in CS32...well, he's not that considerate but he teaches well and I prefer him rather than Sir Quiwa (na College Deankaya ang taas ng expectations pero mababa ang Grade Ceiling...if you know what I mean). Then Ma'am Cadorna in geog 1, she is like a new graduate teacher and she interacts with her students and she is the makwento type...and she is anti-cueshe...heheheh...evil. I think I can do good this sem but I will not take my studies for granted given this circumstances.
Do I look like someone from a prison or something? well, I was detained for a sem or two but I was not in prison for Sir JP to call me 'Kakosa'. Mukha daw kasi akong bagong labas sa munti sa pic n binigay ko sa kanya. well, I can't say he's wrong...hehehe...
But I guess all these will be forgotten as soon as I take my first exam on any subject. Math 54 1st exam scheduled on July 5 and I must study as early as now. My mind cannot hold that much info...given I have not put anything in it for along time. I just hope I get everything done before I get the chance to forget what I was here for. or if I don't get the chance, i think Ill forget everything about it...which is a bad idea.
Well, Study hard and Play hard is better so that I won't forget the things I must do. I'll need my rest now...
*****
Please forget everything you have read and think, as if it never happend and existed. If you don't want my presence, I will be as invisible as I can be. It's just that I'm too insecure to take on life as it is, take on what I think will make me happy, take the risk. I will be contented on seeing your silhouette in front of me with your hair blocking most of your lovely face. I just hope I can approach you as a friend just like the last time. But I cannot make you forget, can I? I hurts me to approach you when you dan't want to talk to me. Or maybe its just me....
I just hope I can turn back time....
*****
The music playlist in here plays the most...uhmm...appropriate sounds.
'Tumatakbo' by Mojofly
'Minamahal kita' by Parokya ni Edgar
'Runaway' by Hale
'Here Tonight' by Hale
'Jeepney' by SpongeCola
'Torpe' by Barbie's Cradle
'Beer' by Itchyworms....
I hate coincidence...
*****
Amnesia is the lost of memory due to physical or mental pressure/injury.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Analytic Symptom #17: Pain
How am I suppose to start all over again with all this.......*search for words*........
Everything thats happening to me this past week is kinda old, the ones Im used to, and also a little new, the ones I never have experienced before. And it looks like Im going to make a few adjustments now that this occured...well, I can't say its nothing personal...literally...
Ok, its a little, say, unnerving (tama b to?) to have classmates thats younger than you in one of your major subjects. Most of my classmates in CS 21 are younger than me. maybe its just me but Im kinda insecure that Im one of the oldest students in the class...Buti n lang nanjan si Jamo...at least I have a batchmate here and I have good reasons to retake this subject...in fact I had a passing status in this subject last time I took it, but my two MP's vanished like *kapoot* in the computer shop I was programming in in the last minute...The my teacher in CS32 said "mga 3rd year na kau...CS32 pa rin kau..." that was kinda funny...pero masakit kahit papaano sa ego!
Then my CS21 classmates gave me a new nickname...ASH! like the pokemon master in that cartoon series. mas maganda b talaga un english kesa sa tagalog? I just told them I was born on an ash wednesday and my other nick was Abo and the hell, they started calling me ash. not that I care, but its just that I really did not like pokemon at all. heheheh.....
Then theres this book that I have not yet returned to the Engg lib that was due Oct 1...LAST YEAR!!! The hell...I cant imagine how much I gotta pay for that over-over-overdue book but at least I saved 2 pesos per day since I have borrowed it...nakaka 500 na ata ako...Ouch...my pocket will again hurt...
The I have this space in my life that I must fill as soon as possible but cannot have the courage to fill...I need to fill that blank space with color...but can I?
Okay, here the real part of all this...remember that last post I had...well that was true and I didn't know what to do the next time I...errrr....see her. I was taking every step carefully and I always look in every person's face so that I would not get noticed by her. I don't know why...I would like her to notice me...but a part of me says not yet...I don't want to keep her waiting but I can't seem to find the courage to talk to her. Then, this has to happen. I was in the verge of seeking for a subject since I need at least one more subject to take to fill my 15 unit load (cintract needs to be fulfilled) and jamo told me that I can take up my CS32 already. The light of hope shone on me and I immediately asked ma'am riza to enlist me in the subject. Yehey, I told myself since I already have 15 units. Tuwang tuwa pa ako nun papasok na ako sa MH233A. Then, I realized that she was there taking the same subject in the same room as I am. I thought this would not happen because I thought she took that subject last year. Blood filled my head for that whole friggin' hour. I always look at her but I can't afford to catch her eye. I don't know why. All I felt was this awkward feeling that I should but couldn't talk to her. I REALLY WANTED TO BUT I REALLY CAN'T. maybe its the little scardy cat in me thats keeping me there in my seat alone and silent. I just don't want our friendship to end and if that meant that i should keep my distance, then half of me says I should but really I don't want to. i wanted to talk to her after class but when I saw her she was surrounded bu my classmates and that took the remaining courage in me. I just pretended I didn't see her. After that, I wanted to punch myself, bang my head in the wall and hang myself. but all I can do was punch a tree in the UP lagoon...well that hurt but it didn't matter at the time. All I wanted to do was to feel the pain that I could do to myself and to her feelings. I just hate myself for being like this. How come others can do this stuff as quick as the wind while I seem to take the whole course of time? I can't find the answer to my somewaht sewrious problem.
Spaces can be so disturbing but the hell...pain is just as relieving. Well, maybe you don't get my drift but niether can I. Im just so noob at these things that i cant seem to find the next way out.
I hope I get to get the chance soon...
*****
Pain is an unpleasant sensation occuring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease or emotional disorder.
*****
the color is just out of my eyes these past few weeks. Everything seems to be affected...
Everything thats happening to me this past week is kinda old, the ones Im used to, and also a little new, the ones I never have experienced before. And it looks like Im going to make a few adjustments now that this occured...well, I can't say its nothing personal...literally...
Ok, its a little, say, unnerving (tama b to?) to have classmates thats younger than you in one of your major subjects. Most of my classmates in CS 21 are younger than me. maybe its just me but Im kinda insecure that Im one of the oldest students in the class...Buti n lang nanjan si Jamo...at least I have a batchmate here and I have good reasons to retake this subject...in fact I had a passing status in this subject last time I took it, but my two MP's vanished like *kapoot* in the computer shop I was programming in in the last minute...The my teacher in CS32 said "mga 3rd year na kau...CS32 pa rin kau..." that was kinda funny...pero masakit kahit papaano sa ego!
Then my CS21 classmates gave me a new nickname...ASH! like the pokemon master in that cartoon series. mas maganda b talaga un english kesa sa tagalog? I just told them I was born on an ash wednesday and my other nick was Abo and the hell, they started calling me ash. not that I care, but its just that I really did not like pokemon at all. heheheh.....
Then theres this book that I have not yet returned to the Engg lib that was due Oct 1...LAST YEAR!!! The hell...I cant imagine how much I gotta pay for that over-over-overdue book but at least I saved 2 pesos per day since I have borrowed it...nakaka 500 na ata ako...Ouch...my pocket will again hurt...
The I have this space in my life that I must fill as soon as possible but cannot have the courage to fill...I need to fill that blank space with color...but can I?
Okay, here the real part of all this...remember that last post I had...well that was true and I didn't know what to do the next time I...errrr....see her. I was taking every step carefully and I always look in every person's face so that I would not get noticed by her. I don't know why...I would like her to notice me...but a part of me says not yet...I don't want to keep her waiting but I can't seem to find the courage to talk to her. Then, this has to happen. I was in the verge of seeking for a subject since I need at least one more subject to take to fill my 15 unit load (cintract needs to be fulfilled) and jamo told me that I can take up my CS32 already. The light of hope shone on me and I immediately asked ma'am riza to enlist me in the subject. Yehey, I told myself since I already have 15 units. Tuwang tuwa pa ako nun papasok na ako sa MH233A. Then, I realized that she was there taking the same subject in the same room as I am. I thought this would not happen because I thought she took that subject last year. Blood filled my head for that whole friggin' hour. I always look at her but I can't afford to catch her eye. I don't know why. All I felt was this awkward feeling that I should but couldn't talk to her. I REALLY WANTED TO BUT I REALLY CAN'T. maybe its the little scardy cat in me thats keeping me there in my seat alone and silent. I just don't want our friendship to end and if that meant that i should keep my distance, then half of me says I should but really I don't want to. i wanted to talk to her after class but when I saw her she was surrounded bu my classmates and that took the remaining courage in me. I just pretended I didn't see her. After that, I wanted to punch myself, bang my head in the wall and hang myself. but all I can do was punch a tree in the UP lagoon...well that hurt but it didn't matter at the time. All I wanted to do was to feel the pain that I could do to myself and to her feelings. I just hate myself for being like this. How come others can do this stuff as quick as the wind while I seem to take the whole course of time? I can't find the answer to my somewaht sewrious problem.
Spaces can be so disturbing but the hell...pain is just as relieving. Well, maybe you don't get my drift but niether can I. Im just so noob at these things that i cant seem to find the next way out.
I hope I get to get the chance soon...
*****
Pain is an unpleasant sensation occuring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease or emotional disorder.
*****
the color is just out of my eyes these past few weeks. Everything seems to be affected...
Monday, June 12, 2006
Analytic Symptom #16: Speechlessness
My head's been turning round and round within the past few days. All I want is to see her but still a part of me tend turn in any corner available anytime I see her shadow. What the hell happening to me?
Okay...I really want to see her face but why...WHY!!!...am I stopping and turning to another route when I get to the point where I have the best chances of meeting her. Something inside me argues "luckily I did not meet her today" and another with "Fuck it all...my day did not complete itself again"....im kinda confused once again with the outcome of my daily life...
Is it just me? I just don't know what the hell am I suppose to say when that time comes. It will be a hell of a nice/awkward sem for me but hell...who cares?
I don't want to admit it but crap...im so newbie at this stuff given that I had the feelings of a blunt axe within the past few years of my life. Why had I given the chance to feel...I thought I always wanted to be as far from the world as possible but now it all changed. IT ALL CHANGED!!! i had nothing in mind at the time but now I realize everything...and all came into place...into place that I thought did not exist.
all this blabbering may have no sense at all but i have no sense anymore anyway...except for her...and thats all thats keeping me in shape.
PLease don't get made if I become speechless when I see youn next tym...Coz it will all be awkward!!!
Sorry for all this. and it is all my fault...
But also thanks for this...uhmm....stuff you gave me!
Okay...I really want to see her face but why...WHY!!!...am I stopping and turning to another route when I get to the point where I have the best chances of meeting her. Something inside me argues "luckily I did not meet her today" and another with "Fuck it all...my day did not complete itself again"....im kinda confused once again with the outcome of my daily life...
Is it just me? I just don't know what the hell am I suppose to say when that time comes. It will be a hell of a nice/awkward sem for me but hell...who cares?
I don't want to admit it but crap...im so newbie at this stuff given that I had the feelings of a blunt axe within the past few years of my life. Why had I given the chance to feel...I thought I always wanted to be as far from the world as possible but now it all changed. IT ALL CHANGED!!! i had nothing in mind at the time but now I realize everything...and all came into place...into place that I thought did not exist.
all this blabbering may have no sense at all but i have no sense anymore anyway...except for her...and thats all thats keeping me in shape.
PLease don't get made if I become speechless when I see youn next tym...Coz it will all be awkward!!!
Sorry for all this. and it is all my fault...
But also thanks for this...uhmm....stuff you gave me!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Analytic Symptom #15: Delinquency
Whoa! My problems are much worse than I thought!
So, given I am a happy-go-lucky guy that doesn't give a damn about things. I thought I can do things even if I don't know the REAL facts about what are REALLY happening. The thing is, I THOUGHT WRONG!!!
I rode a jeepney today that had the sign "BIG R" and didn't care where it would take me knowing that the BIG R that it said was the mall near Sta. Lucia. Then it went in tatay town proper (with a hell lot of trafic) through cainta then went left in junction...i didn't realize that there was another BIG R mall in the vacinity...I had to pay then ride anotehr jeepney again. Crap!
Then, at school, someone told me that I needed an appeal. I am not on the elligible list niether was I on the Inelligible list. now, I need another day to make an appeal so that I can continue my CS-happy-go-lucky days. sayang nmn ang na take up ko sa CS noh... and i won't let all of that go to waste.
I just need to get ahead with the facts. I need to be informed.
tangalin na ang delingkwenteng dugo sa aking balat!!!
*****
Delinquency is the failure to do what law or a rule requires because of carelessness.
So, given I am a happy-go-lucky guy that doesn't give a damn about things. I thought I can do things even if I don't know the REAL facts about what are REALLY happening. The thing is, I THOUGHT WRONG!!!
I rode a jeepney today that had the sign "BIG R" and didn't care where it would take me knowing that the BIG R that it said was the mall near Sta. Lucia. Then it went in tatay town proper (with a hell lot of trafic) through cainta then went left in junction...i didn't realize that there was another BIG R mall in the vacinity...I had to pay then ride anotehr jeepney again. Crap!
Then, at school, someone told me that I needed an appeal. I am not on the elligible list niether was I on the Inelligible list. now, I need another day to make an appeal so that I can continue my CS-happy-go-lucky days. sayang nmn ang na take up ko sa CS noh... and i won't let all of that go to waste.
I just need to get ahead with the facts. I need to be informed.
tangalin na ang delingkwenteng dugo sa aking balat!!!
*****
Delinquency is the failure to do what law or a rule requires because of carelessness.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Analytic Symptom #14: Excessive Curiosity
I didn't realize doing something wrong because of pure curiosity and impulsiveness then being caught at it would be so much...uhmm...heart thomping.
But things can be worse...at least...at least...never mind...
My mind's racing and can't seem to find it's que to stop. Selective Amnesia to the rescue...haha
*****
Curiosity is the desire to know, learn or experience something
But things can be worse...at least...at least...never mind...
My mind's racing and can't seem to find it's que to stop. Selective Amnesia to the rescue...haha
*****
Curiosity is the desire to know, learn or experience something
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