Analytic Symptom #17: Pain

How am I suppose to start all over again with all this.......*search for words*........

Everything thats happening to me this past week is kinda old, the ones Im used to, and also a little new, the ones I never have experienced before. And it looks like Im going to make a few adjustments now that this occured...well, I can't say its nothing personal...literally...

Ok, its a little, say, unnerving (tama b to?) to have classmates thats younger than you in one of your major subjects. Most of my classmates in CS 21 are younger than me. maybe its just me but Im kinda insecure that Im one of the oldest students in the class...Buti n lang nanjan si Jamo...at least I have a batchmate here and I have good reasons to retake this subject...in fact I had a passing status in this subject last time I took it, but my two MP's vanished like *kapoot* in the computer shop I was programming in in the last minute...The my teacher in CS32 said "mga 3rd year na kau...CS32 pa rin kau..." that was kinda funny...pero masakit kahit papaano sa ego!

Then my CS21 classmates gave me a new nickname...ASH! like the pokemon master in that cartoon series. mas maganda b talaga un english kesa sa tagalog? I just told them I was born on an ash wednesday and my other nick was Abo and the hell, they started calling me ash. not that I care, but its just that I really did not like pokemon at all. heheheh.....

Then theres this book that I have not yet returned to the Engg lib that was due Oct 1...LAST YEAR!!! The hell...I cant imagine how much I gotta pay for that over-over-overdue book but at least I saved 2 pesos per day since I have borrowed it...nakaka 500 na ata ako...Ouch...my pocket will again hurt...

The I have this space in my life that I must fill as soon as possible but cannot have the courage to fill...I need to fill that blank space with color...but can I?

Okay, here the real part of all this...remember that last post I had...well that was true and I didn't know what to do the next time I...errrr....see her. I was taking every step carefully and I always look in every person's face so that I would not get noticed by her. I don't know why...I would like her to notice me...but a part of me says not yet...I don't want to keep her waiting but I can't seem to find the courage to talk to her. Then, this has to happen. I was in the verge of seeking for a subject since I need at least one more subject to take to fill my 15 unit load (cintract needs to be fulfilled) and jamo told me that I can take up my CS32 already. The light of hope shone on me and I immediately asked ma'am riza to enlist me in the subject. Yehey, I told myself since I already have 15 units. Tuwang tuwa pa ako nun papasok na ako sa MH233A. Then, I realized that she was there taking the same subject in the same room as I am. I thought this would not happen because I thought she took that subject last year. Blood filled my head for that whole friggin' hour. I always look at her but I can't afford to catch her eye. I don't know why. All I felt was this awkward feeling that I should but couldn't talk to her. I REALLY WANTED TO BUT I REALLY CAN'T. maybe its the little scardy cat in me thats keeping me there in my seat alone and silent. I just don't want our friendship to end and if that meant that i should keep my distance, then half of me says I should but really I don't want to. i wanted to talk to her after class but when I saw her she was surrounded bu my classmates and that took the remaining courage in me. I just pretended I didn't see her. After that, I wanted to punch myself, bang my head in the wall and hang myself. but all I can do was punch a tree in the UP lagoon...well that hurt but it didn't matter at the time. All I wanted to do was to feel the pain that I could do to myself and to her feelings. I just hate myself for being like this. How come others can do this stuff as quick as the wind while I seem to take the whole course of time? I can't find the answer to my somewaht sewrious problem.

Spaces can be so disturbing but the hell...pain is just as relieving. Well, maybe you don't get my drift but niether can I. Im just so noob at these things that i cant seem to find the next way out.

I hope I get to get the chance soon...

*****

Pain is an unpleasant sensation occuring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease or emotional disorder.

*****

the color is just out of my eyes these past few weeks. Everything seems to be affected...