Analytic Symptom #24: Insufficiency

Now there is this feeling inside me that tells me that I shouldn't have enrolled this sem. Don't get me wrong...I really want to go to school, specially a school as good as UP, but I have been experiencing more problems this sem so far than the last two sems combined.

First is the fact that I have company last 'time' (<--well...'year' is more appropriate) I checked. I had this group of people that I can enjoy my school life with, not just a bunch of people you call classmates but doesn't even know your name. They were my blockmates, composed of 23% boys, including me, and 77% girls. And the funny thing is, I was closer to the girls, my decision mainly. I have spent at least everyday with them and they did complete my day... Now, all I can look forward to is the time when I can go home and spend the rest of the day with my remaining barkada back here in Angono.

I really miss the times when we review for an exam together, heads on each other's shoulders and taking into account each other's pace, looking into their faces without a tinge of malice.

Now, all I have is their smiles when I see them in full corridors. I can't even grasp the fact that I remain speechless and just say so much as a 'hi' and ignoring the ones I once called friends...well, crap does happen.

Then, within the past two weeks, I have been having problems financially. Well, P600 per week is really enough for me. That amount could feed me for the said week and I can even have some for my vices, I can even save from that, as a matter of fact. But somehow, within the past week, I just need to absent from my classes because I just don't have my fare (kaya minsan nawawalan n rin ako ng ganang mag-aral). Really, stories are often told with awkwardness and hidden agendas. Like the Story in "Scary movie 4"...

Guard: Sir, our country is being attacked by aliens.
President: Wait a minute. I am listening to a story here.
Guard: But, sir, people are dying. You must do something soon.
President: The People are gonna die regardless. I just need to know what happened to the duck.
Guard: Sir, the Duck will die.
President: *splurts coffee all over the place* The duck will die???

I really don't need to continue the story. That was suppose to be a comedy but somehow I became sad. It is ironic how some people care more about their Ducks rather than the people they have sworn to protect and care about. How did this relate to me being broke? Well, my father raise chickens for a living.

I will not give another example.

Well, at least I have this scholarship grant that I got from capitolyo. I think that would support us for a week or two. I just don't know what will happen after that.

Sometimes, I really want to be here in the computer shop rather than in my house. Problems seem smaller here. At least I have something worthwhile to do rather than rant that I am hungry. Hahaha... Ironic...Ironic...

Well, I just feel insuffiecient, so worthless.

*****

Now I think you can see why all I can do is stare at you from the far end of the room. I cannot force you into my life. I cannot even support myself, then what can I do for you. I am contented with this silence, but I cannot say I am happy.

*****

From TANING of IMAGO:
Tama bang aminin na nating may taning ang pag-ibig natin.
Dakila man, walang kasaysayang kakapit sa bulag na pag-ibig.