Schitnophronotiniaric Tiranity!
Whatever that means...
Its just that Im being scared of a couple of things right now.
Starting with the obvious, my crappy skills in computing is taking its toll on me...YET AGAIN!!! Ive got to extend every ounce of effort I have just to have a chance on passing this subject. I may be taking things too seriously, others take this subject for more than 4 times, but still, My time, effort and money's being wasted and I am responsible for all this! Then theres these two MP's due next month...yes next month and Im problematic about them given I can only program for hours at a time coz I dont have my own PC and the PC here wont allow me to download a C++ and the PCs here dont have CD-players. A big problem...
Another thing, Im being too attached to people again. I certainly like the feeling of being important but this is ridiculous...for me. Im getting hints from someone about... err... how important I am (well, putting it in a really, really safe context) but I cannot respond just yet. I just had this...err yet again... "stupor" feeling less than a sem ago and I cannot take that very same risk again. But I dont want that person to feel that Im too numb (in layman's term: Manhid) that I keep avoiding the instance. Its just that maybe Im just -nag fi-feeling- and get the note far from where it should really land. Crap...I just hate...uhmm...nevermind! (NOTE: no person involved)
Then theres this big amount of clash between people of my group and well, having read many psychiatry books, someone is feeling out and someone is not knowing that fact. I dont want anyone to break from us and it will be like )(*$_@# if that happens.
I maybe just too paranoid to think these things but I just want everything to be Ideal...thats just the way I am.
i hope evrything turns out fine...and If it does not...I must do something about it!
Wish me luck~ haiyz~ more work and less play again...Ouch!~
Friday, August 25, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Analytic Symptom #28: Schizoid Tendency
I came there, nothing to in mind but the night ahead of me. Tomorrow will be a hard day...or so I thought. How will this night end, I thought. I think I will never know. My mind was racing as I heard that voice shouting inside. What the heck is happening to me?
I left people behind just to stay where I belonged. I had no choice but to start all over again. Thats is, if I can. No one that knows me trusts me anymore and the ones ignorant of who I really am are still kept in the dark. I can't afford to lose them. They're all I've got as of the moment. If they gain my thoughts, I will be alone again. I am always that way. Shut-in Faked-out.
My Life is now revolving around only four places, creating a monotinic tune within each day of my existence. Well, at least I can say I have words to describe how happy I am within my galaxy of four corners. Home, i have everything I need, no money, no food, no nothing...just family. School, I have all I can hope for, promises, dreams and reality. The shop contains all that lifts me up...PCs, friends and people I can talk to, show who I really am and try to see if they could accept me. And finally, my world...a world of no lights but full of color, A world of silence where I voice out everything I want, a world that looks at me as no one but still manages to know me. It is ironic that I prefer my own galaxy rather than the real world.
It seems I'm being too attached to people again. The last two times I became attached to people, I stumbled. Two circle of friends crumbled before my very eyes, one totally destroyed, the other partially parted. They left me wounded but I will move on. I hope that would never happen again. Well, thats up to them anyway...and maybe its all my fault if they decide against me. If, again, all else fails, I need to find another place to stay.
Why am I concerned about them now? Maybe, just maybe, I want them permanent in my life. They keep me company, listen to my stories and they tell me their everyday lives. Some misunderstanding but they never last for more than an hour, which is the best. Im trying to find if they will stand by me, and I think they will with their lives. Thats more than I wanted to know and more than I wanted from people. I never expected anything from other people but they exceeded my standards, or maybe Im being too ideal again.
The daylight is breaking but still I am here sitting in front of the PC typing words that no one sees. Looking at the persons around me sends flashes of hope inside me. Our shouts in the night could send us to the nearest police station but still we continue coz' were happy. Maybe Im just too shut in that I always think that its too dark.
Someone opened the glass doors. It was morning already and light was streaming outside. Rain was making everything look solemn. I smiled at the thought that I lasted that dark night just to see the beautiful day ahead of me with the once laughing with me all they way.
I need to rest now. Today will be a short day and the week ahead will be longer than a month's worth of time.
At least, I have another weekend to look forward to.
I left people behind just to stay where I belonged. I had no choice but to start all over again. Thats is, if I can. No one that knows me trusts me anymore and the ones ignorant of who I really am are still kept in the dark. I can't afford to lose them. They're all I've got as of the moment. If they gain my thoughts, I will be alone again. I am always that way. Shut-in Faked-out.
My Life is now revolving around only four places, creating a monotinic tune within each day of my existence. Well, at least I can say I have words to describe how happy I am within my galaxy of four corners. Home, i have everything I need, no money, no food, no nothing...just family. School, I have all I can hope for, promises, dreams and reality. The shop contains all that lifts me up...PCs, friends and people I can talk to, show who I really am and try to see if they could accept me. And finally, my world...a world of no lights but full of color, A world of silence where I voice out everything I want, a world that looks at me as no one but still manages to know me. It is ironic that I prefer my own galaxy rather than the real world.
It seems I'm being too attached to people again. The last two times I became attached to people, I stumbled. Two circle of friends crumbled before my very eyes, one totally destroyed, the other partially parted. They left me wounded but I will move on. I hope that would never happen again. Well, thats up to them anyway...and maybe its all my fault if they decide against me. If, again, all else fails, I need to find another place to stay.
Why am I concerned about them now? Maybe, just maybe, I want them permanent in my life. They keep me company, listen to my stories and they tell me their everyday lives. Some misunderstanding but they never last for more than an hour, which is the best. Im trying to find if they will stand by me, and I think they will with their lives. Thats more than I wanted to know and more than I wanted from people. I never expected anything from other people but they exceeded my standards, or maybe Im being too ideal again.
The daylight is breaking but still I am here sitting in front of the PC typing words that no one sees. Looking at the persons around me sends flashes of hope inside me. Our shouts in the night could send us to the nearest police station but still we continue coz' were happy. Maybe Im just too shut in that I always think that its too dark.
Someone opened the glass doors. It was morning already and light was streaming outside. Rain was making everything look solemn. I smiled at the thought that I lasted that dark night just to see the beautiful day ahead of me with the once laughing with me all they way.
I need to rest now. Today will be a short day and the week ahead will be longer than a month's worth of time.
At least, I have another weekend to look forward to.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Analytic Symptom #27: Cyclothymia
I wont say it was one hell of a week this week because every week is like that. But theres something new this week. Aside from the unpredictability of the days, everything seem to go either for the better or for the worse. Good things and bad things alternate my Life this week...no emotions created (well, really they just cancel each other out)
Sunday:
Rape! a game - well not just a game...a game with money involved - of DotA got to me. We did lose on some bunch of stratified-big-headed-show-off type of addicts (yes, I know Im an addict but hell, I dont make DotA my bread and butter...unlike those guys) and its was all my damn fault. I could have seen that comming but I didnt...and im the one looking for strats for the team (which basically sucked!). ive got to take some time to have a REAL life but where to start? I really don't know. Well, I cant take everything back anyway so, to hell with them. We will have our revenge later.
The bad thing about sunday is that I should have done a machine exercise in CS 21 which will be a significant part of my grade. Well, I started already but I cannot pass an unfinished ME so i kinda accepted the fact that I will have a low (or zero) grade in that ME. I got the first ME anyway so I thought "Im gonna make up for it in the next ME"...What a day!
Monday:
i woke up fine and everything was like always but i am still contemplating about my missed ME. i cannot do anything now so i just tried to go to school. When I got into class, my professor said that there will be another ME because the take home ME was quite hard. To my luck, I got all four numbers so I had no more homework to do. The rest of the day came as light as I started!
Tuesday:
i had a hard time going to school because of problems financially (like someone I know...haha). Good thing I had saved some money fro yesterday so I used that and my mother said that she'll pay me later. From all the commotion, I got late for my first class...which unfortunately is the last class i want to be late in. CS 32 is one of the classes that I personally have a hard time in processing and still I managed to be absent - I did not attend for I am 1hr late. Given that our next exam will be a week from now, that was a blow below the belt. Ouch~
Wednesday:
My life is really out of concept. i got to my classes and still managed to go home early. Well, I hate wednesdays for they are the days where I dont have anything to do. and another thing, To all those people who tend to say "owwww....thats easy...how did you manage to get low in that?": Schitnitchz!
then I got all this "Look at you! Couldn't you make yourself healthy...blah blah blah" nag from my mother. i gotta keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Thursday:
okay. at least i had something to look forward to today: early class dismissal. Theres this Alternative Classroom learning Experience (ACLE) happening and I dont want to attend so I got home early and managed to make some time for myself which I havent done for a long time now (Im saving for the weekends...^_^). It was nice to be peaceful for once.
Friday:
i Thought all will be better since my morning was good. but then, this pesky jeepney driver took half of my travel time from angono to UP by taking unnecessary turns on uncharted lands rather than taking the same route. All the passengers went berserk when he turned yet again going back to tikling. We all got down from the hell ride and It took me another 30mins to reach UP. Good thing I woke up early coz if I overslept for even 10 mins, I will be late again for 32 and that will be like suicide!
And another thing, another problem came to me when my CS32 prof passed our Machine Problem 1...meaning another problem to do for the next two weeks (three actually but next week will be exam week) Haiyz...
I hate Cyclothymic days. Please, If your gonna make my week suck, make it suck all week long. i dont like mood shifts lately. But I prefer a week-long peace.
but next week will not be peaceful at all...Okay Vic start your whatever...
*Starting...well that will be after saturday. >.<*
Sunday:
Rape! a game - well not just a game...a game with money involved - of DotA got to me. We did lose on some bunch of stratified-big-headed-show-off type of addicts (yes, I know Im an addict but hell, I dont make DotA my bread and butter...unlike those guys) and its was all my damn fault. I could have seen that comming but I didnt...and im the one looking for strats for the team (which basically sucked!). ive got to take some time to have a REAL life but where to start? I really don't know. Well, I cant take everything back anyway so, to hell with them. We will have our revenge later.
The bad thing about sunday is that I should have done a machine exercise in CS 21 which will be a significant part of my grade. Well, I started already but I cannot pass an unfinished ME so i kinda accepted the fact that I will have a low (or zero) grade in that ME. I got the first ME anyway so I thought "Im gonna make up for it in the next ME"...What a day!
Monday:
i woke up fine and everything was like always but i am still contemplating about my missed ME. i cannot do anything now so i just tried to go to school. When I got into class, my professor said that there will be another ME because the take home ME was quite hard. To my luck, I got all four numbers so I had no more homework to do. The rest of the day came as light as I started!
Tuesday:
i had a hard time going to school because of problems financially (like someone I know...haha). Good thing I had saved some money fro yesterday so I used that and my mother said that she'll pay me later. From all the commotion, I got late for my first class...which unfortunately is the last class i want to be late in. CS 32 is one of the classes that I personally have a hard time in processing and still I managed to be absent - I did not attend for I am 1hr late. Given that our next exam will be a week from now, that was a blow below the belt. Ouch~
Wednesday:
My life is really out of concept. i got to my classes and still managed to go home early. Well, I hate wednesdays for they are the days where I dont have anything to do. and another thing, To all those people who tend to say "owwww....thats easy...how did you manage to get low in that?": Schitnitchz!
then I got all this "Look at you! Couldn't you make yourself healthy...blah blah blah" nag from my mother. i gotta keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Thursday:
okay. at least i had something to look forward to today: early class dismissal. Theres this Alternative Classroom learning Experience (ACLE) happening and I dont want to attend so I got home early and managed to make some time for myself which I havent done for a long time now (Im saving for the weekends...^_^). It was nice to be peaceful for once.
Friday:
i Thought all will be better since my morning was good. but then, this pesky jeepney driver took half of my travel time from angono to UP by taking unnecessary turns on uncharted lands rather than taking the same route. All the passengers went berserk when he turned yet again going back to tikling. We all got down from the hell ride and It took me another 30mins to reach UP. Good thing I woke up early coz if I overslept for even 10 mins, I will be late again for 32 and that will be like suicide!
And another thing, another problem came to me when my CS32 prof passed our Machine Problem 1...meaning another problem to do for the next two weeks (three actually but next week will be exam week) Haiyz...
I hate Cyclothymic days. Please, If your gonna make my week suck, make it suck all week long. i dont like mood shifts lately. But I prefer a week-long peace.
but next week will not be peaceful at all...Okay Vic start your whatever...
*Starting...well that will be after saturday. >.<*
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Analytic Symptom #26: Paranoia
Okay...next week will be too much for me to take, I think! I kept my subjects to a minimum, but hell, I have exams for I think every other day, and in the worst case, I have two exams in just one friggin day (one exam in 2-4 and another in 4-6...pano pa ako makaka uwi nyan?)
Crap! my head will crack next week...sched is sooooooooooo *Schitznitchz*! (Ill post it here so that I wont forget dates...I cant (or dont) want to carry organizers anyway...
Aug 17(th): ACLE (at least suspended class from 1-4)
Aug 21(m): Math 54 Make-up exam (tae...holiday na may pasok pa ako! 9-12 pa...haiz)
Aug 23(w): Math 54 Midterms (weeeeeeeee.....>.<)
kinabukasan Aug 24 (th): Geog 1 Long Exam (sana itanong mga bagong gamit sa mapa eg. pamunas, pambalot, pambato, pamhampas etc. ^_^)
Aug 26(s): CS 21 2nd Long Exam 4-6(OKay lng sana kaso...) Math 54 3rd LE (...merong 2-4 exam...T_T)
Aug 29(t): CS 32 2nd LE (peste lagi na akong late sa klaseng to at wala na akong natututunan sobra...kailngan ko n ng notes na marami!)
Sept 9: Field trip sana sa taal kaso bk hindi nmn ako makasama (isa n nga lng na maganda sa sched d ka pa makakasama!)
At least I have an overnight on friday sa shop for that RF addict mode. I have something to look forward to before the HELL week (And it IS one hell of a week)!
kailangang ipahinga ang utak bago ang paranoing week...
I hope I can survive!
Haiyz...Xyojin Quembo Syente al Nigtus.... >.<
Crap! my head will crack next week...sched is sooooooooooo *Schitznitchz*! (Ill post it here so that I wont forget dates...I cant (or dont) want to carry organizers anyway...
Aug 17(th): ACLE (at least suspended class from 1-4)
Aug 21(m): Math 54 Make-up exam (tae...holiday na may pasok pa ako! 9-12 pa...haiz)
Aug 23(w): Math 54 Midterms (weeeeeeeee.....>.<)
kinabukasan Aug 24 (th): Geog 1 Long Exam (sana itanong mga bagong gamit sa mapa eg. pamunas, pambalot, pambato, pamhampas etc. ^_^)
Aug 26(s): CS 21 2nd Long Exam 4-6(OKay lng sana kaso...) Math 54 3rd LE (...merong 2-4 exam...T_T)
Aug 29(t): CS 32 2nd LE (peste lagi na akong late sa klaseng to at wala na akong natututunan sobra...kailngan ko n ng notes na marami!)
Sept 9: Field trip sana sa taal kaso bk hindi nmn ako makasama (isa n nga lng na maganda sa sched d ka pa makakasama!)
At least I have an overnight on friday sa shop for that RF addict mode. I have something to look forward to before the HELL week (And it IS one hell of a week)!
kailangang ipahinga ang utak bago ang paranoing week...
I hope I can survive!
Haiyz...Xyojin Quembo Syente al Nigtus.... >.<
Friday, August 11, 2006
Analytic Symptom #25: Deja Vu
Another post once again. I wont say more!
a picture of you reminds me
how our years have gone so lonely
why did leave without
saying that you love me
saying i love you again
are you listening
open your eyes once again
look at me crying
if only you could hear me
shout your name
if only you could feel my love again
the stars in the sky will
never be the same
if only i have wings
so i can fly
i wanna be with you for all the time
my love for you will never die
if only you were here
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