I cannot sleep. After another week of my delinquency - well, not really since most of it happened by natural causes - I still cannot take my priorities to mind. I have spent every night of the week browsing a psychology dictionary word per word...well not really...mainly the ones that strike a certain aura...
After 3 night in a row of constant reading of psychology dicts, I have came upon a word - Machiavellianism (wow, I didn't realize I was in letter M already). The definition struck me so much that I now think Im a High Mach...
I really wont define the word here. It would so much of a giveaway.
Just to be sure, I think I'll take that MACH-IV exam sometime soon...the problem is where to get it. O well, Ill make myself sit for awhile.
And I have a bigger problem to face...ouch...
I wish I could use this so called 'disease' to my advantage for the next few days. I wish...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Analytic Symptom #32: Masochism
*****NOTE: Please...COMPLETE DISCLOSURE REQUIRED (okay...pretend you didn't read this post)******
Wearing my mask of different faces, I thought I had everything under control. I was laughing with my friends, playing games of war of two sides and we ridicule the ones that die in the hands of the opponent - like "die, die" - and laugh at our sadistic ways...well, technically, its just a game. Nothing personal. Good thing one of my friends won some money so I got to play with them. Well, its just that Im not financially capable right now.
It was a saturday evening. I always stay in the shop this late on saturdays. Its just that I have no problems here and I have people to talk to. Maybe its just me, but I hate the silence I always hear back there and the feeling that someone is looking at your back at all times, looking for mistakes they could blame on you.
I have learned to take every blame taken at me - martyr I may be - like a sponge soaked in a pail of water. To anyone that seem to know me, I am a good shock absorber, an anger management object and someone to pull in case you fall. I will not get angry. At least, I can make someone feel better. No one, except me, has seen me really angry...and I have no plans of showing that side of me to anyone coz if that happens...
Maybe, I have become numb of the pitfalls of life, even though those pitfalls are not mine. I have become so immune to flames and blames...explains my debate-hungry nature.
But tonight was different. My father would be home and He is only home on weekdays. I have stayed late again tonight, knowing they'll be waiting for me. I have a thick, hard skin. I got home at almost 11 and expected to be rained with sermon again, punching and attacking myself on the way back. But something happened...
Well, nothing for that matter.
No one did what I expected. Not even a word. I was relieved, and sat down in the kitchen to start a pseudo-work. I cannot stay there without anything to do, I really don't know why. Then I found this letter in front of the sala and found it was adressed to me, but already opened. I read it and it was from UP. I became blank for the next few minutes trying to digest what I was reading. There was only 3 short paragraphs but it took me 30mins to take it all. My deadline has elapsed and, considering our status right now, I think last year has begun to fall on me again. I never learn. Then I looked at my mother's eyes, but she looked back as if nothing happened. I got the message and took the letter, stored it in my bag. I went to bed shortly afterward.
I wanted to cry.
And I did.
I went to church the next day only to find myself in tears again in front of a lot of people. Well, i cannot hide this for long. I've got to let this out.
/*from evanescence's "Call me when you're sober"*/
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
I thought I knew myself all this time. But there's always that side of you you could never know.
Or maybe I just left my mask back home.
No one could have possibly known that I had problems until they read this post. I have my mask again and I will not take it off anytime soon.
I must do something right away. I have many options and Ive got to try each and everyone of them.
But why is it that whatever I do, I always end up hurting myself. Maybe, Im just a psychotic masochist.
Please keep me from myself.
You only want it coz its over
Its over
...Ive made up your mind
Wearing my mask of different faces, I thought I had everything under control. I was laughing with my friends, playing games of war of two sides and we ridicule the ones that die in the hands of the opponent - like "die,
It was a saturday evening. I always stay in the shop this late on saturdays. Its just that I have no problems here and I have people to talk to. Maybe its just me, but I hate the silence I always hear back there and the feeling that someone is looking at your back at all times, looking for mistakes they could blame on you.
I have learned to take every blame taken at me - martyr I may be - like a sponge soaked in a pail of water. To anyone that seem to know me, I am a good shock absorber, an anger management object and someone to pull in case you fall. I will not get angry. At least, I can make someone feel better. No one, except me, has seen me really angry...and I have no plans of showing that side of me to anyone coz if that happens...
Maybe, I have become numb of the pitfalls of life, even though those pitfalls are not mine. I have become so immune to flames and blames...explains my debate-hungry nature.
But tonight was different. My father would be home and He is only home on weekdays. I have stayed late again tonight, knowing they'll be waiting for me. I have a thick, hard skin. I got home at almost 11 and expected to be rained with sermon again, punching and attacking myself on the way back. But something happened...
Well, nothing for that matter.
No one did what I expected. Not even a word. I was relieved, and sat down in the kitchen to start a pseudo-work. I cannot stay there without anything to do, I really don't know why. Then I found this letter in front of the sala and found it was adressed to me, but already opened. I read it and it was from UP. I became blank for the next few minutes trying to digest what I was reading. There was only 3 short paragraphs but it took me 30mins to take it all. My deadline has elapsed and, considering our status right now, I think last year has begun to fall on me again. I never learn. Then I looked at my mother's eyes, but she looked back as if nothing happened. I got the message and took the letter, stored it in my bag. I went to bed shortly afterward.
I wanted to cry.
And I did.
I went to church the next day only to find myself in tears again in front of a lot of people. Well, i cannot hide this for long. I've got to let this out.
/*from evanescence's "Call me when you're sober"*/
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
I thought I knew myself all this time. But there's always that side of you you could never know.
Or maybe I just left my mask back home.
No one could have possibly known that I had problems until they read this post. I have my mask again and I will not take it off anytime soon.
I must do something right away. I have many options and Ive got to try each and everyone of them.
But why is it that whatever I do, I always end up hurting myself. Maybe, Im just a psychotic masochist.
Please keep me from myself.
You only want it coz its over
Its over
...Ive made up your mind
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Analytic Symptom #31: A.D.H.D.
I may be just lonely.
But nothing more's needed to be stated. Nothing is keeping me to live for tomorrow. Well, no one for that matter.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
But nothing more's needed to be stated. Nothing is keeping me to live for tomorrow. Well, no one for that matter.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Analytic Symptom #30: Withdrawal Syndrome
It seems that everything is crashing down on me like the sky's made of glass. Every tiny bit of things get into me...get into my world...literally.
Im beginning to get tired of everything. I want to find more to whats available but there are no spikes in my cardiograph, just a straight line acting as a means to see if im still alive. Morphologically speaking, Im not. This monotone has eaten half of me and the other half's lurking somewhere in the middle of confusion and uncertainty. At the start, I was always looking forward to a weekend or two but now, Im not even looking forward to tomorrow. Hey all of this is true. I am saying to myself sometimes, "good Life Vic". Hahaha...maybe its the fact that I have accepted my own death three years ago and am now not afraid if ever it comes. I just like to do something...er....heroic just to bring color to me. I dont even know if anybody would remember me a year after that fateful event, if ever it comes. As one of my friends said to me, You're just a blip in the radar. Once a radio arm passes you, you become visible for a second then vanishes again.
True. I never wanted to be above the action. I prefer my Anonimity rather than being a famous freagin brat.
shitness, my heads puffing out.
hahaha...start acting out fool. start taking every bit of info your mind lets you.
You want me to take more info than Im already shaking into my uberly crowded mind? For gods sake, Im reading a pshychology dictionary every other night just to make me sleep, I start from 12 until I hget tired around 2. In fact, Im in letter D now. Well, thats how I knew the meaning of "coprophillia" and now is grossed at the thought of people doing the damned thing.
Not That psycho head. Take you life seriously, dammit. For one, DONT BE DELINQUENT!!! Hell, If Im right, you've taken 5 out of 6 free cuts before the midterms even begin. And you need someone to help you. God, I dont know how you do it, but living a day with only yourself, walking from UP to katipunan everyday (and I mean everyday) and doing things only god knows what is just suicide.
Well, thats better isnt it? No one knows...
Dammit. stop all of this. I cant keep up with all your crap. Your full of contradictions you know. You want this but cant do that. Build something and crush it all down again. Pathetic...just pathetic.
Well, I know Im pathetic, and so are you. So are all of us. Imagine one of your cousins having a go at you just because you had a DotA game of 2 on 1. Imagine someone shouting all his curses once the net shuts down. Imagine a person fhaving a bad trip just because he did not have the kill ar because he lost. Imagine someone say to you to get a damn life. Imagine someone asking people on how to get somewhere and obliges them to answer and condemns you once you dont, while he can have the answer with just one click. Imagine a person being numb enough to not know that he not doing right. Pathetic and Absurd. Yes I am guilty of all charges.
I can't play RF right now. No load, if you know what I mean. Im just wasting my time and money on useless internet time, scouring sites I cant have answers on. Playing games that is just a waste of time (but still fun...). Im withdrawin' from all this. I cant just stop and take the poison my minds been feeding me. Will anybody just let me stop?
I may have those sudden bulges of pain, searing tension and unpredictable stress when Im facing away from my daily/weekly routine. But there no other way out, is there?
My cries are unheard. Maybe I have to start ranting again tomorrow.
Im beginning to get tired of everything. I want to find more to whats available but there are no spikes in my cardiograph, just a straight line acting as a means to see if im still alive. Morphologically speaking, Im not. This monotone has eaten half of me and the other half's lurking somewhere in the middle of confusion and uncertainty. At the start, I was always looking forward to a weekend or two but now, Im not even looking forward to tomorrow. Hey all of this is true. I am saying to myself sometimes, "good Life Vic". Hahaha...maybe its the fact that I have accepted my own death three years ago and am now not afraid if ever it comes. I just like to do something...er....heroic just to bring color to me. I dont even know if anybody would remember me a year after that fateful event, if ever it comes. As one of my friends said to me, You're just a blip in the radar. Once a radio arm passes you, you become visible for a second then vanishes again.
True. I never wanted to be above the action. I prefer my Anonimity rather than being a famous freagin brat.
shitness, my heads puffing out.
hahaha...start acting out fool. start taking every bit of info your mind lets you.
You want me to take more info than Im already shaking into my uberly crowded mind? For gods sake, Im reading a pshychology dictionary every other night just to make me sleep, I start from 12 until I hget tired around 2. In fact, Im in letter D now. Well, thats how I knew the meaning of "coprophillia" and now is grossed at the thought of people doing the damned thing.
Not That psycho head. Take you life seriously, dammit. For one, DONT BE DELINQUENT!!! Hell, If Im right, you've taken 5 out of 6 free cuts before the midterms even begin. And you need someone to help you. God, I dont know how you do it, but living a day with only yourself, walking from UP to katipunan everyday (and I mean everyday) and doing things only god knows what is just suicide.
Well, thats better isnt it? No one knows...
Dammit. stop all of this. I cant keep up with all your crap. Your full of contradictions you know. You want this but cant do that. Build something and crush it all down again. Pathetic...just pathetic.
Well, I know Im pathetic, and so are you. So are all of us. Imagine one of your cousins having a go at you just because you had a DotA game of 2 on 1. Imagine someone shouting all his curses once the net shuts down. Imagine a person fhaving a bad trip just because he did not have the kill ar because he lost. Imagine someone say to you to get a damn life. Imagine someone asking people on how to get somewhere and obliges them to answer and condemns you once you dont, while he can have the answer with just one click. Imagine a person being numb enough to not know that he not doing right. Pathetic and Absurd. Yes I am guilty of all charges.
I can't play RF right now. No load, if you know what I mean. Im just wasting my time and money on useless internet time, scouring sites I cant have answers on. Playing games that is just a waste of time (but still fun...). Im withdrawin' from all this. I cant just stop and take the poison my minds been feeding me. Will anybody just let me stop?
I may have those sudden bulges of pain, searing tension and unpredictable stress when Im facing away from my daily/weekly routine. But there no other way out, is there?
My cries are unheard. Maybe I have to start ranting again tomorrow.
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