Wearing my mask of different faces, I thought I had everything under control. I was laughing with my friends, playing games of war of two sides and we ridicule the ones that die in the hands of the opponent - like "die,
It was a saturday evening. I always stay in the shop this late on saturdays. Its just that I have no problems here and I have people to talk to. Maybe its just me, but I hate the silence I always hear back there and the feeling that someone is looking at your back at all times, looking for mistakes they could blame on you.
I have learned to take every blame taken at me - martyr I may be - like a sponge soaked in a pail of water. To anyone that seem to know me, I am a good shock absorber, an anger management object and someone to pull in case you fall. I will not get angry. At least, I can make someone feel better. No one, except me, has seen me really angry...and I have no plans of showing that side of me to anyone coz if that happens...
Maybe, I have become numb of the pitfalls of life, even though those pitfalls are not mine. I have become so immune to flames and blames...explains my debate-hungry nature.
But tonight was different. My father would be home and He is only home on weekdays. I have stayed late again tonight, knowing they'll be waiting for me. I have a thick, hard skin. I got home at almost 11 and expected to be rained with sermon again, punching and attacking myself on the way back. But something happened...
Well, nothing for that matter.
No one did what I expected. Not even a word. I was relieved, and sat down in the kitchen to start a pseudo-work. I cannot stay there without anything to do, I really don't know why. Then I found this letter in front of the sala and found it was adressed to me, but already opened. I read it and it was from UP. I became blank for the next few minutes trying to digest what I was reading. There was only 3 short paragraphs but it took me 30mins to take it all. My deadline has elapsed and, considering our status right now, I think last year has begun to fall on me again. I never learn. Then I looked at my mother's eyes, but she looked back as if nothing happened. I got the message and took the letter, stored it in my bag. I went to bed shortly afterward.
I wanted to cry.
And I did.
I went to church the next day only to find myself in tears again in front of a lot of people. Well, i cannot hide this for long. I've got to let this out.
/*from evanescence's "Call me when you're sober"*/
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
I thought I knew myself all this time. But there's always that side of you you could never know.
Or maybe I just left my mask back home.
No one could have possibly known that I had problems until they read this post. I have my mask again and I will not take it off anytime soon.
I must do something right away. I have many options and Ive got to try each and everyone of them.
But why is it that whatever I do, I always end up hurting myself. Maybe, Im just a psychotic masochist.
Please keep me from myself.
You only want it coz its over
Its over
...Ive made up your mind
No comments:
Post a Comment