Analytic Symptom #34: Denial

/*This post has been delayed for some reason...so ill have to include more events...er....*/

I am quite abnormal today...as if I can become normal for a day or two. Anyway, For some reason, I decided to go home from the shop at 3:00 in the afternoon, which, by the way, was a first in this shop's lifetime. I have gone through whatever they call it (hell and back...sounds familiar) but crap this is just...uhmm...crappy. I have told myself never to tell myself to do these things but still I end up feeling what I keep myself from feeling. Ouch..it has been only a sem since I forgot it ever existed and now I have it again...damn.

And worse, its going away again leaving me like what it has done on me before.

At least now, no one knows...

Okay, I kept quiet in everything I have done, seen and felt coz I know how it hurts to let the person know when there are facts that say 'this is not right'. I don't know why I didn't want to be there when that time comes, maybe its the 'saying goodbye' thing. I left the shop before I do something drastic and sarcastic. Maybe its just that I used to my routine - its hard to divert from that routine - and everything would be different now.

Its better for me to be told goodbye than to say goodbye so...I left.

Hell...Im taking too long to do all these sentimental stuff coz of word limitation, well, you'd never understand.

I have found that thing again even if Im not looking for it anymore. Okay, the ones in my mind are just to keep myself sane. Im still denying the fact that im really abnormal and I cant be sure what others will think of me when they know who I really am. I have given hints and, I should say, they are true! I mixed them up with lies so no one would really be sure. Maybe that's why I dont know how to express myself to people.

Lets go back to reality. School's being cruel to me but IM NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!! and worse THIS HAPPENED BEFORE!!! Shit...I know where this is going. But theres still hope...but its fading ridiculously. Hussle, Vic, hussle. keep up with the work...

I just hate irony. I thought I could have time to do the important things this week but it just turned out to be the worst week this month. I have exams in 4 out of 5 days and a report and a paper due and a project that I have not finished yet. Now Ive got to cram more and more into my busy schedule. Luckily I had time to post and have some fun for an hour or 2. Well, If I get pass this, Ill be okay. I hope.

On a lighter note:
I wanted to watch "Tru Calling" yesterday and had to stay up just to know what happened next. I watched Star Wars on 7 and It so happened that I changed channel to 41 (MTV), and saw "Hale" on MTV sessions. I got to listen to 5 song and they're all...uhmm...great. At least, they somehow diverted from the melodramatic side but champs voice still gives that chilly aura to them. I want to hear "Hide and seek", "Eyes Wide Shut" and "Last Song" again just to know the lyrics. Or maybe Ill buy the album this week. I just need to be on track. Well, at least I can have music to turn to when all else fails.

Everything's gonna be fine. I just need to accept that I am unique and not deny that I can always be me.

I hope denial escapes me soon. I hope...again.